#you guys keep the blog alive more than anything else haha

[deerspherestudios]

Mychael had a beta design? I mean- There was another design for Mychael before the canon design?

P.D. Take care, we love you!! ❤️

The blog's very first few posts are actually Mychael's sketch designs! You can find them here, here and here!

[rarepairnation]

LOLL i was gonna start like ‘hey there im denethor anon’ but u beat me to it. SIMILAR MINDS. Haha i read one of ur fics, was immediately smitten & was like i MUST follow them. (I’m glad i did, love the vibe of ur blog and the Flavour of ur opinions.. TASTY) so im a more recent follower but i’m gathering younger you weren’t a fan of denethor, huh? Can’t say i blame you. PJ certainly made some Decisions. he was like how do i convert a complex character into The most loathsome creature ever. He really did our fav gondorians sooo dirty. I literally watch through those scenes SEETHING in rage.

So I’ve been Thinking about denethor and faramir and nothing else for two days. like i am a denethor girlie. in my mind. spiritually. haven’t posted much abt him on tumblr. but nowww. you’re exactly right, ‘denethor Is a good leader…[insert ur paragraph here]’ yes yes yes you get it. listen denethor was a prideful, angry, resentful man but he was also valiant, resilient and noble. He guarded his city, alone (which takes GUTS, again, he was a badass!!), so well, for literal YEARS that Sauron was fearful/wary of him. i wish people were more understanding of him. he’s such an interesting character there’s so much to explore there. as you said the duty-vs-love, the weapon-first-person-next of it all. the layers. denethor as a weapon. denethor as a symbol of both sword/shield. AAHHH

BUT i think some people dismiss him hate him bc he is the mirror (the ugly side? if that makes sense) of humanity, of us. we ought to show him some compassion tho ‘cause havent u ever been taken under the darkness of life? felt the world slipping away & struggle to keep up w it? dont u ever feel hopeless? that things will never change, no matter what u do? DO YOU HAVE FEARS HAVE YOU FACED THE MONSTERS? WERE YOU ALONE, SCARED AND HOPELESS? AND HAVENT YOU MADE MISTAKES IN YOUR GRIEF AND PUSHED PEOPLE AWAY?? THAT’S what denethor experienced. He was described as a leader & a learned one at that for christ sake. He knew that evil was awaiting him and his kin and his people! he saw his future. yet. yet he soldiered on until. war declared. his sons killed (or so he believed). that’s when hope abandoned him. what was the point of staying alive now anyway? Evil was upon them, they would surely be tortured w a fate worse than death, so why should he not end the pain and kill himself? he fought the war against Time, Evil and The Dark Enemy himself and WON. he was a brave man indeed, to have fought these dark forces so much stronger than him. but he finally lost the war against Despair (and Grief), the cruelest of them all. imma cry 😭😭😭 no no no u don’t understand he didnt give up hope, hope abandoned him he- [GUNSHOT] (i don’t know how much of this even made sense lmao) anyway,

Faramir <333. do i even have to say anything about faramir? he’s the specialest little guy i love himm 🥰. On god i am one step away from rereading lotr just for him (plsss dont tempt me finals are in less than a fortnight) his and denethor’s relationship like u described my godddd XDD. fucked up familial relationships MY BELOVED. i am feral about this trope. the resentment… the jealousy… the mirror image of each other… the you’re-the-same-like-me-and-i-hate-that… mmmhm. hey do u ever think about 12 year old faramir admiring his father much the same way he did boromir and wishing he would grow up to be just like him? and do you ever think about 28 year old faramir knowing that he’s more like his father than anyone else and hating that? hating him? i do.

I’ll stop now lol im afraid my coherency has diminished by now. also sorry sorry for replying so late i am preparing for my exams. but rest assured i WILL be Rotating faramir around in my brain :3

hiiii denethor anon LOL this is the greatest ask ive ever received. every day i endeavour to provide only THE juiciest of opinions. aka this is my diary and you all are subjected to it. anyway im so glad you liked my fic i would love to know which one you read! i got into lotr via the films when i was super young so my past opinions were def coloured by The Choices. i have learned and grown since then<3 i was watching the book-to-film analysis vids on the extended edition dvds a couple weeks back and it made me so mad that i had to get up and turn off the tv. did you know there are other character options besides 'paragon of virtue' and 'one dimensional villain'...truly kind of a "nice dichotomy idiot! now what lies outside of it" situation. A Waste Of Your John Noble, To Be Honest. idk i still hold the films very close to my heart but the choices...i will simply respectfully disagree. and dont even get me started on faramir we WILL be here all night. another time. i have denethor thorongil situationship-fic to write. (i am serious about that) (i was simultaneously playing it 100% straight serious AND kind of joking about them. i shouldve known better. well.........we are so in it.)

you are so real for this. i have ALSO been Thinking about denethor and faramir and nothing else for days. weeks, even. sorry to everyone coming to the faramir goes to rivendell au for faramir and the fellowship the first 10k is literally just Keeping Up With The Stewards. we'll get there. i Will blame you for the impetus for my recent denethorposting on main but also encourage you to also do this. do whatever you want forever<3 nooo but straight up...guy who has so much strength and will that The Lord Of All Evil wouldnt contend directly against him and had to bring out the big palantir guns to bring him down. and if he'd not lost both of his sons i mean...who knows what would've happened. sometimes your sons ARE the only thing keeping you from killing yourself Do It For Them-style and lets be real that is a valid coping method. (i don't have an answer for that one and boy oh boy do i wish i did. it is going to become a massive thorn in my side in, oh, 70k or so when i hit rotk. well...i will blow up that bridge when i get to it.)

im actually putting a read more in this time bc this post broke a thousand words. continue at your own risk. there IS also faramirposting at the end here i promise.

just imagining denethor leading the siege of minas tirith. um. now stay with me here...riding out with imrahil's sortie. STAY WITH ME HERE. what do you think the livery of a steward going to war looks like. jesus christ i need to go lay down. yes i purposefully placed the read more before i decided to go momentarily horny on main. its also lowkey very vague au spoilers. sorry everyone but denethor IS canonically hot and we need to acknowledge it. Anyway.

denethor as a weapon denethor as both a sword and a shield...i am chewing glass for real. you GET IT. god i love person-as-weapon metaphor soooo much. When The Iconography Is Getting A Little Too Real. denethor as gondor, as her vanguard and standard-bearer and. i am straight up frothing at the mouth. all he ever wanted was to be a gentle lord in a time of peace.....and death was his reward...Sorry For Stealing The Fingon Death Quotation But I'm Right. so much of his behaviour and the strain on his relationships with his sons and all that is sooo...informed by the fact that to cope with having to be lord of a country at war he had to be so so unbending. he couldn't allow himself to waver, ever, not even for love, not even to save his sons.

did you know he was 21 when sauron returned. pov you are 21 years young and you have been alone all your life you are the steward's only son you are his strange numenorean heir and no one else has the LITERAL PSYCHIC POWERS AND VISIONS that you do and you have had to contend with that, alone. master your own mind, alone. learn how the shape of politics and lordship and life bends around you. and the dark lord the enemy who brought down your forebears has now set his eye on your lands again. Jesus Christ. How Would You Fucking Deal. sorry i would have a nervous breakdown and go and live in the desert. Man. TWENTY ONE? LIKE ME? most days i feel like a teletubby with a job and a credit card. if you scale it to account for numenorean lifespan inflation i mean i don't know how the math works but like. i bet it comes out to being like. 17. HELLO? basically everyone i know was barely a person at 17. the dark lord of all evil and he's MY problem to deal with?

i mean exactly. haven't we all been prideful and angry and resentful. haven't we all been there. once again [pippin voice] let's all understand poor denethor a little better. havent you ever been taken under the darkness of life [your paragraph here] yeah exactly what you said. the idea that he fucking won the war against the darkness and only lost to despair is..........so much! goodbye i have to go cry!

faramir, me AND fate's most special precious little guy....oh captain my captain....exactly. Exactly. i cant morally endorse a reread right this second but like. After. make it through finals and then it is Faramir Time. (and good luck! you got this!) tactical smartass little bitch master of both man and beast wizard's pupil (complimentary) star and hope and jewel of minas tirith knight in shining armour...my beloved. the idea that like faramir as presented, as the diplomat, as the scholar, as the numenorean, was supposed to be the one to go to rivendell...it haunts me. where is denethor sends the right son to do the right job.txt. he is gondor's no. 1 horse girl he is better suited to the wild than the battlefield he has read every sindarin text in the library he KNOWS the story of elrond and elros. he is literally telepathic and psychic and prophetic. thinking about him interacting with elrond and galadriel (and every other elf. but them in particular) makes me feel deranged. its very...self taught dnd wizard meets guy who went to wizard school energy. he's insane.

YEAH ITS CRAZY THAT THEYRE THE SAME GUY. it's. boromir gets to be boromir but faramir has to be denethor.txt. gracious and lordly as a king of old...now who is consistently referred to as noble and kingly...that a younger faramir would've looked up to...yeah. the perpetuation of denethor's second-best complex. i have a whole nother post in the drafts about that i CANT get into it here but jesus christ men who are NOT breaking the cycle. they even look the same. i mean 37 year old faramir as steward is 100% the spitting image of his father and that makes me....genuinely fucking insane actually. i mean like older councillors are doing double takes every time he walks by. i mean like sometimes people call him by the wrong fucking name. WOW where did that come from. the complex that that would give him...hello? turning this over inside my brain at WARP speed.

you are not late at all lol we are leaving little letters in each other's mailboxes to read when we have the time. i hope your exams go well!!! there will be more Faramir And Denethor Hours soon<33

[beperoncin]

im so mad at myself. is it even my turn to vent yet probably not but fuck the rules baby

uh. tw for me yapping about suicide and general queerphobia and bullying and shit

i keep fucking staying up until 5 am on my phone because im scared of sleeping because i might have nightmares about otherwise trivial things that irritate me because im a stupid self centered bitch whos so scared of a little bit of hate because apparently its almost like that person wants to kill me.

and staying up on my phone isn't even the thing im worried about here its the fact that im mostly on tumblr. because its the only place i feel safe. and what if my mom finds it through the apps i spend the most time on and looks at my blog and sees that i dont strictly use she/her pronouns and supports palestine and supports all queer identities and actually does kill me. or at least does something that leads to me. you know. committing chapter 8 my life ends here.

and also the fact that i stay up all night and go to sleep until 1 pm. i feel so disgusting and lazy depression probably doesnt even excuse it atp im probably just looking for comfort since nobody else can give it to me i mean others have it far worse than i do lol

and Him. dont fucking forget about Him. i had a fucking nightmare about him touching me. not even in anywhere intimate just on my head. just the idea of him making any form of physical contact with me is fucking repulsive. im absolutely terrified to go back to school because what if hes planning things to do to hurt me. what if he has more friends to harm me. what if he hurts Her because Shes one of the only people who trusts me. he didnt even do that much he just made me extremely uncomfortable

literally the only four things keeping me from killing myself are my online friends and the spicy cookies from the hit korean mobile game franchise known as cookie run (specifically only peperoncino and habanero and capsaicin and the other scovillia cookies but my prove is still pointen) and the haha funny wario game released for the nintendo wii on july 24 2008 and the one girl from my school i have an extremely obsessive crush on and if she Finds Out™ then 3/4 of those things (or all 4 if she's sick enough to keep me out of school to "protect me further from the gay agenda") are gonna be taken away from me and. quick question to my mom. do you want a dead child? no? then get your shit together and stop making baseless threats against me for having human decency.

"why do you hide everything from me????????? 🥺🥺🥺" well if you never made those threats to me because i reacted in an almost justified way when you were being hateful about trans people i would have felt more comfortable telling you things. and dont even try and say "but i support the gays too!!!!!!! but not the mutilation psychos!!!!!!" youd probably tell someone to stop shoving it in their faces if you saw even a little tiny lesbian flag pin on their jacket. and stop using psycho for every person you ever so slightly have beef with. its getting annoying and not everyone who thinks trans people should have basic rights has a psychotic disorder. thank you <3

i wouldve been more hopeful about everything if my parents didnt have fucking fox news on every evening and not one not two but THREE FUCKING PRO TRUMP SHITSTUFF in their front yard. these fuckers never learn. i hope blue wins this year so i can see them wail and bitch about their stupid little fascist orange losing. but again thats just one of the dumb little trivial things that frustrate me beyond my limits. i find it funny how i pretend im just. not interested in anything political but. does a backflip

my fucking god can someone just fucking euthanize me. wait not even that. just fucking torture me and keep me alive. like do some wild shit. make the devil shiver even more than he would when a nice guy loses his temper.

i know im overreacting. i know im just making shit up like the self centered pile of flesh i am. but im so mad right now im beyond livid i might blast glittertown in my earbuds again to at least dull the rage

[eyes-talks-ocs]

Tagged by @winterandwords !!!

Thank you for the tag. (And people please go check them out, since I created my writing blog I feel like I've been the lost shy puppy following them around haha. I love their blog so much 🖤)

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FIVE THINGS I NEVER TIRE OF WRITING!

Rules: list five things you never get tired of writing. It can be anything, tropes, character situations, themes - whatever brings you joy.

(let me know all of your secret self indulgence, haha).

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No.1: Contradictions.

My favorite characters I have, are nothing but a bucket of contradictions. Macaw, he's the brute with a nasty reputation and a sour attitude that will put you in the ground for looking at him wrong. But - he's gentle. He'll go out of his way to help or comfort random strangers or be a listening ear for someone. Just don't preemptently judge him before he speaks or initiates an interaction. That will determine how he treats you. Lucan, my DnD child. A genuinely kind and friendly guy who wants nothing more than to make the people around him happy. He's carefree and always in good spirits - yeah he's deeply traumatized with anxiety and guilt chewing at him in every silent moment he has. Before running into the current party he's traveling with, he was an honored member of a cult and by his hands, countless people were sacrificed to his gods. In any moment it's called for, he has no problem being brutal and unusually cruel to the point he scares himself by his own actions because he enjoys letting his frustration out a little too much.

No.2: I'll bring you down with me *insert crazy eyes*

Also a trait both Macaw and Lucan share. Just. A complete stupid disregard for their own life? I don't know what to call it. Both of them so jaded with their own actions of the past that it's led to both of them being reckless with no self preservation left to care. Will sink a ship with them on it just to make a point. Will burn a building to the ground with them in it just to watch their enemies burn with them. Fuck around, find out because I am no longer afraid of death and some days I welcome it. Definitely - hurt me so I can feel alive or else I'll do it myself.

No. 3: Symbolism, Symbolism, Symbolism.

Uff. Especially animal symbolism. But everything from the landscape to phrases, to little Easter eggs for myself when I go back through to reread things. It won't bother me if no one else picks up on them. I know they're there and what they mean. My mind works in weird ways and makes strange connections between things and you bet your sweet bippy it's littered throughout all the writing and art I create.

No. 4: Tragic Backstory.

I think that's enough said. I just. It just happens. I create characters just so I can hurt them I guess. Even the ones I make that WEREN'T supposed to be tragic somehow get a little bit of traumatic spice thrown in there. I mean. Look at Lucan. My goal wasn't to have a sad backstory player character. But a happy go lucky adventurer. Well after rolling stats and all that fun stuff I made a backstory that would fit his stats and abilities. Somehow that led to being a cult runaway? Now as the campaign has progressed more and more dark details have been added to his backstory to incorporate and fit into the DM's main storyline. But hey at least he's still a ball of sunshine to be around! (And my DM loves my character's story and every opportunity he gets, he goes ahead and throws a curve ball just to emotionally hurt my character too haha. Like the last one was a small fight with a Kenku and he used my DEAD FATHER'S VOICE to taunt me. Fuck that was something I wasn't expecting the DM to pull. I loved it.)

No. 5: EVERYONE IS BI.

Self projection. I know. I gotta keep reminding myself that not everybody is attracted to everybody. Ha. But reasoning for why basically all my characters are when I try to justify it ranges from: "This is DnD, how could anyone possibly be just straight?" to the dramatic "he's never been treated with compassion or has felt a soft loving touch. He'll bond with anyone who's willing to give him that." and everything in between.

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This tag is open to whoever wants to do it!!

[heathenarmyimagines]

Title: Find Us

Summary: (Y/N)’s sleep study goes horribly wrong.

Pairing: Ivar x Reader

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine

Taglist: @ubbesgirl, @shewolf2000, @tis-itheapplepie, @atequila, @demoncrypt1066, @greennightspider, @badbitsh13, @fireismysaftey, @minarawr, @laketaj24, @hvitserksgirl, @blahblahcookiesdoma, @fabulous-peasent, @sforsammmmmi, @minmiin1d, @courtrae89, @letsloveimagines, @tomarisela, @titty-teetee, @beyond-the-ashes@elenawrit, @mblaqgi, @whenimaunicorn, @chuflisworld, @mystruggledlife, @moose-squirrel-asstiel, @syreni-dea, @trashqueenbitch, @alykatv, @mbaku-babygirl, @perfectus-in-morte, @beyond-the-ashes, @neeadinghugs, @readsalot73, @triumphantreturnofpies, @anarchy-is-coming, @tephi101, @alicedopey, @ivarslittlebadgirl, @jtrstp, @nejijjeoroo, @charlylama, @ivartheblessed, @captstefanbrandt, @fabulouschrissi, @ivarsrideordie, @3x5gurl, @the-writer-appreciation-blog, @lolabee9, @captainfoxy22, @young-ugly-god, @im5ftbutmythroat66, @bribyyy, @irishhiggins, @cadetomlinson, @keclleon101, @slutforragnarssons, @ltkeke, @meeeeeeeeeps, @lille-kanin, @opalscarab, @ssraven7, @ivarandersen, @concretewaywardangel, @funmadnessandbadassvikings, @sharon-is-tired, @cadetomlinson, @mystruggledlife, @chuflisworld, @justmarissa97, @lol-haha-joke, @weirdly-randomly-awesome, @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanim, @idonthavehusbandsihavelovers, @alexa040004, @buckythetinman , @burntmythroatskullingmytea,@jorunnravenslayer, @two-unbeatable-beaters, @buffy-the-vampire-blogger, @arses21434, @ltkeke, @captainfoxy22, @chinduda @letsshamelessqueen-m @my-soul-is-the-moon @we-are-transcendent

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six,Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine

Sitting at the table you had continued the research you had begun the day before, you had been knee deep in articles since you had sent your sibling off to school that morning and it was almost time for them to get out.

Not that they would be coming back home after school; your mother had to stay on location for a few days and for tonight you couldn’t hold down the fort because you had your own appointment.

Dr. Finehair said he had a specialist come in to conduct a sleep study to see if maybe it was a brainwave disturbance causing your sleeping problems and he wanted you to try and sleep as long as you could.

Without meaning to you had let your mind wander back to your phone call with Ivar yesterday.

After you hung up you spared a moment to think about how abruptly Ivar decided to end the call, it seemed like something was wrong with him.

You figured he would tell you when he felt the need to talk about it, so you went back to your research on Ivar the Boneless.

History was one of your favorite subjects because it’s like a story that really happened once upon a dark and twisted time.

The more you read the more you wanted to put it all aside and never look at it again, which was odd for you. Normally you loved the dark part of history, you believed that no country can ever grow without looking back at its history.

American history was your usual topic but this was a completely new ballpark, and Ivar the Boneless didn’t really feel like light reading. Especially when you couldn’t help but picture your best friend performing a Blood Eagle in order to avenge his father.

His father was another matter that needed researching, you had to look into as much as you could. Any small piece of information could be vital to figuring out this whole thing.

Whatever this thing was.

Your stomach growled and snapped you out of your own head, you sat aside your laptop and stretched before you stood up from your kitchen table.

The kitchen window gave your neighbor a good enough view that she could just walk by and see that you weren’t sleeping.

It didn’t surprise you that your mother didn’t trust you to stay awake on your own accord, because you also didn’t trust yourself to not take a nap.

God you needed a nap.

With a sigh you went and made yourself a quick bowl of ramen to ease your hunger without overfilling yourself.

It was about an hour before Ivar would be released.

He was going to drive you to the hospital and wait for you, meaning he would sleep in an uncomfortable waiting room or even worse his truck. It felt odd that he would do that for you, and even though you had asked him to, you thought he’d decline.

Suddenly your phone chimed with a message.

I’m leaving early be there in ten - Ivar

Cool, we can just chill until it’s time to go - (Y/N)

You looked at the phone and couldn’t help but second guess if that message was good enough, or if you should have added any emojis.

Ugh, this was not good, how could you have suddenly developed feelings for him; Ivar of all people. The guy you were trying to get to remember his past life.

A life in which he was married to you while being old enough to be your grandfather.

You groaned in mild annoyance and complete confusion as you went upstairs to change out of the pajamas you had been lounging in.

The minutes passed like seconds and soon Ivar was at your door.

Fighting the urge to double check yourself in the mirror you went downstairs to let him in.

‘Hey, I got your schoolwork.’ he said handing you a folder.

‘Boo.’ you whined as you looked at the assignments.

‘You’re welcome, not like I went out of my way to get them for you or anything.’ Ivar sassed.

‘Thank you, think you can help me with this...I hate math.’

‘I know, sure I’ll help.’

You led him to the kitchen and subtly motioned to the open window and waved at your neighbor who waved back.

The older woman looked at Ivar in confusion and Ivar waved politely before he sat at your table.

‘So are we starting with math first?’

‘Hell no, tell me about the man with no eyes.’ you said bluntly.

‘I don’t know much, man doesn’t like being in the public eye. Got rich through genius investments but he seems to come from old money despite the fact that no information on his family is available. My father said he was one of his first clients.

‘So it's not like he just time traveled to get here, he’s well established. Covered in mystery but still real, does that mean he’s been alive this whole time?’ you asked.

‘I would guess so but that doesn’t seem humanly possible.’ Ivar said back.

‘Maybe he isn’t human then, at this point we can’t afford to think too logically anymore, the new motto is if we can explain it then we can accept it.’

‘Inspirational.’ he hummed.

‘Thank you, I’m truly a poetic soul.’ you joked.

‘Yeah... there is more though, he knew too much.’

That got your attention, not because of what Ivar had said but the way he said it, like he wasn’t talking about something he’d experienced. It was as if he was talking about someone else he didn’t know.

‘What do you mean?’

‘He knew about my family, but it didn’t feel like he looked us up. He just...knew too much.’ Ivar tried to clarify.

‘What did he know?’

‘Dad was introducing us and he said this wasn’t all us...he knew two of us weren’t there and he was right. Bjorn wasn’t there and he knew about Gida...almost no one knows about Gida, Dad never talks about her except on her birthday.’

‘Who is Gida?’ you asked.

‘My sister, well half sister if you want to be politically correct. My dad’s first wife had two kids Bjorn and Gida, when his first company was just becoming successful he had to leave town a lot and on one trip he was told Gida had died of influenza.’

‘Oh my God, I’m sorry.’ you said sympathetically.

‘It’s ok, she died way before I was born, I’ve only seen a few pictures but I don’t know anything about her, but that guy did. He knew that none of us ever saw her and he knew she was sick, and I could tell that dad was surprised by him knowing.’

Now Ivar was looking off into the distance as if he himself wasn’t even here sitting at your table right now. It was as if he was mentally somewhere else, probably trying to come up with a scenario where his father would have talked about this girl named Gida.

‘Hey, calm down. We can put a pin in it for right now if you want to, I actually do need to get some of my homework done.’ you tried to comfort.

Ivar nodded and took in a deep breath and let it all out.

You actually managed to put most of your focus on stupid equations that no one would ever need in real life, but you couldn’t help but think about how hard this was all becoming now.

Ivar was in complete denial of who he must have been in his past life, anytime you brought it up he shuts down or starts bleeding. How much more proof did he need and what will he do when he can’t deny it any more?

By some miracle you finished all your assignments with mild confidence that it was at least a B+, Ivar was apparently putting all his focus on helping you.

Pretty soon it was time for the two of you to head out if you wanted to get to the hospital in time for your appointment.

The ride was uneventful, just casual talk about school and plans for next weekend; pretty much you talked about anything but the elephant in the room.

While you rode you were very proud of yourself for keeping things casual. It was as if you had pushed aside that mild panic you felt about the possibility of you having a crush on the guy next to you.

At the hospital you filled out some papers while Ivar was chatting with the lady at the desk, it was the same one from your first visit.

Her name was Helga, she was a blond woman who looked no older than twenty seven tops, but she spoke to Ivar as if she were an forty year old aunt.

‘Are you her ride home? She could be here for a while, your mother will worry.’ Helga asked.

‘Mother always does, I let her know I’d be home late if it makes you feel better.’ he assured.

‘It doesn’t.’

You felt kinda awkward interrupting to let her know you were done with the papers.

She took them and led you into an examination room where a male nurse took your vitals and gave you a gown to wear.

After a minute Dr. Finehair came in with another doctor who you had to assume was the specialist who would be conducting the study.

‘Hello Ms. (Y/N), I’m Dr. Finehair.’

You made a confused face and sent a looked between the two men.

‘My little brother, if it helps you can call him Halfdan.’ your doctor explained.

‘Don’t worry the smarter one is in charge.’ Halfdan smiled politely.

It was strange how easily his charm seemed to relax you, but you guessed as a doctor he had to have amazing bedside manners.

‘I’ve looked over all of your test results and it seems to be nothing physically with your body, other than what could be expected from an exhausted teenager.’ he said as he began placing little stickers on your temples, scalp face, chest and legs.

Both doctors were very nice and the small talk did help to pass the time while Halfdan was placing sensors on your body.

‘The main purpose of the study is to see what your brainwaves are up to when you go to sleep. If there is anything unusual then we can know what to focus on and see what tests need to be run on you. OK?’ he explained.

‘I understand, how long do I need to sleep?’

‘As long as you can, did you need any sleeping aids, I see it’s been prescribed to you.’

‘Not necessary, I’m ready to crash whenever you give me the go ahead Doc.’ you smiled.

‘Oh well don’t let me stop you, we are going to leave the room, the sensors are connected to a machine, we will monitor the room as well record video.’

‘What if I have to use the restroom? I guess I should have asked before you started.’

‘It is fine, we can disconnect you, all you have to do is let us know.’

‘Alright you are all set to go, we will leave you to it ma’am.’

The two men left and it only took you about thirty seconds to go to sleep.

******************************************************************* Ivar’s POV

The hospital was unusually quiet today, not empty by any means, but it seemed nothing horribly urgent had happened since he’d gotten here.

Every person that came in was calm and in good enough shape to explain why they were here and what they were feeling.

Of course that would be expected because this hospital was a bit out of the way, too far from the busy highways where most car accidents tend to happen.

There was also the fact that this was a very expensive hospital, with amazing security, top of the line technology and the best doctors you can get.

All of his surgeries had been done here, because on top of all those other great qualities this hospital assured each patient complete privacy. No matter who the patient was or how much money their secrets were worth.

Ivar was sitting there, in one of the uncommonly comfortable waiting room chairs, scrolling through social media on his phone when a sudden wave of lightheadedness hit him.

His vision blurred to the point where he had to sit his phone aside and shake his head in an effort to clear his head.

‘I see you Boneless.’

Ivar flinched at the sudden voice, but more than that he flinched at the name.

He looked up and what he saw was impossible, so very impossible that even the thought of it made him think that he was going mad.

There is no other explanation for what was sitting in the chair across from him.

It was himself.

His own face, slightly hidden behind a thick and graying beard, but all the same it was obviously his face. His eyes, nose and teeth...his face.

‘No.’ he breathed.

‘But yes, you wouldn’t believe what all had to be sacrificed for us to chat, and I’m sad to say that my being here is not good news.’

‘You aren’t here.’ Ivar whispered.

‘No, not really; neither are you, not completely. Neither of us can ever truly be anywhere until we are together. Until you accept that you are me, I did my part; I died...and I waited.’

‘Waited for what? For two teenagers to meet to clean up a mess you made thousands of years ago?’ he snapped angrily, barely managing to keep his voice down.

‘I didn’t want to do this, I saw no point in it. I was fully prepared to accept the punishment the Gods felt I deserved, but it wasn’t just me...and it isn’t just you. Everyone you love and care about, they are all being punished for my deeds, our deeds.’

‘Your deeds.’ Ivar spat.

‘Our...deeds.’

‘Ivar.’

This time Ivar jumped clean out of his chair, partially due to being so suddenly startled but mostly to look away from this thing with his face.

Herald was there and just the look on his face told him something was wrong; horribly wrong.

‘What happened?’

‘Helga is calling her mother now, Ivar I need you to be calm. I can see how much you care for her and I know you will worry, but losing your composure won’t help anything do you understand?’ Herald said seriously.

‘Tell me what happened.’ Ivar repeated quietly, almost certain he didn’t want the answer but he needed it all the same.

‘(Y/N) is brain dead.’

‘What? She was just here for a sleep study. What the hell happened?!’ Ivar hissed.

The hairs on the back of his neck was standing up and he couldn’t think of a time where he had been this scared.

‘We don’t know. I wouldn’t even be saying any of this to you if her mother hadn’t listed you as one of (Y/N)’s emergency contacts.’

‘Tell me!’ Ivar snapped.

Herald sighed in mild annoyance but his look remained professional.

‘Her vitals were excellent, no sleep aids were administered. Neither me or Halfdan can explain what happened, I was monitoring her on camera and he was watching her brainwaves. Out of nowhere the waves flat-line and she is seizing up.’

‘She had a seizure?’

‘Yes. A non epileptic seizure, but a seizure nonetheless; we had to risk sedating her before she hurt herself. I wish I could tell you something, anything to explain what went wrong, but I don’t know. I checked her for every physical condition I can think of as a medical doctor and there is nothing to see.’

Ivar was speechless, he didn’t know what to say, even if he did he wouldn’t trust his voice to say it without breaking.

‘When her mother arrives I will explain it to her and what happens next will be her decision.’

‘Can I see her?’ he asked softly.

‘Yes, but do not move her. We are not sure what is causing the problem and we won’t know until we can get her in a CAT scan.’

‘CAT scans, do you think it’s cancer?’ Ivar asked, his eyes wide and his heart filled with dread.

‘I can not say, even suggesting it with no test done I could lose my license. For right now I need you to keep calm while we try to figure out what exactly is happening.’

Ivar nodded in understanding, he listened to the room number and made his way there; all the while thinking about everything.

He thought about the imaginary creature that spoke to him in the waiting room.

“My being here is not good news” that’s what he said and he was right.

He remembered when he had first met her in the hallway; he couldn’t stop thinking about her in class, when he saw her at the table with his brothers he was happy to see her. Even happier that he liked her and saw her as a great friend.

A friend was something he’d never had before and he had thought this was why he wanted to keep her so close, but it wasn’t.

Ivar knew that now, he wouldn’t be this worried and concerned for a friend.

He loved (Y/N), he loved her and right now she was brain dead because of the actions of a dead man.

Because of his actions.

[partnersatfazbear]

Fazbear Frights: What We Found Analysis

Here’s my analysis for What We Found, the third story in Gumdrop Angel. I wrote this as I read so it may be a little different than my previous analysis where I read the story first and went back.

If you’re a Michael Afton fan I highly recommend this. Also, there’s possibly some insight into William Afton, Mrs. Afton, and Henry too, so it’s worth a skim.

Pg 144 '...a place thirty-some years forgotten' Just reconfirming FNAF 3 is 30 years past *one* of the FNAF closings, presumably FNAF 2 location.

Pg 145 "The whole building was giving him [Hudson] a headache." FIX THE VENTILATION BRUH

Pg 148 '...they were able to use salvaged derelict equiptment original to the old pizzerias.' Another confirmation of something we heard from Phone Guy.

Pg 147 "How old are you?" "Twenty-three, same as you." I think this gives us Michael's age during FNAF 3.

EDIT: This kept me awake last night. Obviously this is impossible because he has to be alive for at least 10 years before 1983, BUT maybe its just reconfirming FNAF 3′s year? 2023?

Pg 149 "Hudsan's dad died and his mom married Lewis, a ridiculous balding man who wore plaid vests and smoked a pipe" Did... Did this book just seriously imply Mrs. Afton left William for Henry? Really? (Yes, there's differences; the husband is dead and the man wears plaid 'vests' but it seems very odd to include that detail. This could just have been the writer's own imagination, though.) I have seen this as a fan theory and 100% explains the jealousy aspect of William, but I can't help but kinda hate it. I think this is very important, though, and probably Scott's intention. "This horrible little man [Lewis]... would make Hudson's next ten years a living Hell" This REALLY intrigues me given the context I just went over. The text implies Lewis was fairly neglectful to our main character / Michael stand-in Hudson. Maybe I'm wrong and for some reason Mrs. Emily left and went to William? XD Haha, I'm reading too much into this page. Maybe I'll come back to this later. I figure it's more of Scott possibly including double-details (contradicting stuff with the same character that really applies to two, which has been something I heavily pointed out in previous anaylsis on this blog) Having said that, I'm going w/the former because I can't imagine Henry being abusive (neglectful yes, abusive no) and he's never been portrayed that way in official works like William has in the novels.

Pg 150 "Hudson began to screw up in class...a product of spending the night in fear that his stepfather [Lewis]... [would] beat him just for the fun of it." Ooof. Big confirm on William actually being abusive. Unless we stick with the Henry theory for Lewis (combined with Midnight Motorist Henry theory / alcoholic). "...near-daily beatings..." "his mom started taking pills to get through the day..." So, whoever Mrs. Afton is, she was definetly not paying attention. But then, most people married to serial killers either don't notice because of denial (like this) or because the killer is so manipulative / careful they can't notice.

"Barry, who had red hair and freckles..." Yo?! Is that a description of Fritz?! These friends in the story could be the other kids Michael knew's stand-in's, aka the two gravestones with names he used (Fritz and Jeremy), as shown in the checks for the games and FNAF 6. I've long figured Michael was probably friends with the victims--it makes them easier, although riskier, targets [for William]. The two friends are male, too, like Fritz and Jeremy. If you're curious about Duane's description (our stand in for Jeremy), it's "tight black shirt... muscles... black hair long enough for a glossy ponytail..." I'm not sure if this matches anything found in the novels or contradicts them, though. (The novels = TSE trilogy)

"And so it went... until the night of the fire." For context, this is before FF burns down. We're learning of Hudson's life from his close friends in childhood, his father's death, his mother remarrying, to his abusive stepfather, to his grades slipping to this line. This would be a new fire not seen/mentioned in the games...

Pg 151 "...go to Charlie's for a sundae..." Really. Really Scott. Just gonna use this name again. OK. I'm not even gonna discuss this because it's probably irrelevant. *This is confirmed on pg 158 to be an ice cream shop. No lore relevance aside the annoying name coincidences Scott loves to troll with.

"This is not... an advance into enemy territory, a fight with demons, or a descent into Hell..." Uh, what? What is Hudson talking about? XD I'm only noting it because it seems so out of place. He's probably talking about video games or something.

Another note, although I don't have a specific reference since it is mentioned off-hand many times, is that Hudson keeps referring to his "history" which is implied to have kept him from getting a well-paying job and a girl he's crushing on doesn't know this "history" which is good for him. Seems good old "Michael Stand-In" has done some jail time or something. Edit: On pg 154/155 the girl asks Hudson, "Did you do it?" Seems he may have killed his stepfather or been involved with something else just as bad. Edit 2: No, I was thinking too deep into it. This probably refers to Evan's death at Fredbear's. DUH.

Pg 156 describes an actual "prize corner" in FF! What am I even reading? IIRC this is in FNAF 3, too. So they just hand out these scary gift boxes to people that complete the attraction? (Hudson says he *would* have fun handing out the scary toys to kids when this location opens--kind of a bully thing to do, eh?)

"[Hudson] avoid[ed] glancing in any of the mirrors..." I'm only pointing this out because it could be reference to one of two things. 1) We know because of one of UCN's music tracks, William has a fear of his reflection. Michael probably shares this trait, especially since 2) after Ennard and all... and later on pg 157 it also says, "he never wanted to face: himself" Sounds like guilt, my guy.

Pg 157 "blonde hair... blue eyes..." Hudson shares an eye color with Michael. It's possible Michael had blonde hair as a child and it changed to brown (it's common, something I personally went through being technically blonde/ blue eyed myself)

"He [Hudson] knew from personal experience that toys could turn from fun...to torture ina heart-beat" Fairly self explanatory. Either Hudson's worked at a creepy location before or he doesn't like remembering Fredbear's.

*checks how much is left.* There's still 35 pages (not counting back/front) left of this... This is gonna be a lot of notes.

Pg 158 Hudson doesn't have a car. Poor Mike, probably having to walk everywhere. Especially as a corpse.

Pg 160 This page describes many physical issues Hudson has that prevents him from entering the Navy, all from the abuse of Lewis. Obvious paralell to Michael becoming an undead [because his father sent him to CBPR indirectly causing his condition]

Pg 161 "How's your granny, Hud?... ...Is she still alive?" "I don't think she can die." Does anyone in the Afton family really 'die'? XD

Pg 162 These few pages discuss Hudson's grandmother. She's described as "a seer who claimed to know the future... ...wore big men's plaid flannel shirts with baggy jeans" Um, more plaid / flannel? AGH. STAHP. Lowkey, I would totally headcanon my Aunt Jen like this, though.

Pg 163 "Hudson's mom... the way she was before Hudson's dad had died... never... particularly warm and fuzzy... but... effiencient and responsible..." More about Mrs. Afton, so that's kinda neat.

"Hudson's dad was fun and attentive." There's a good Dad in this series?

"Unfortunetly, he also struggled with mental illness." "invisible low points" (Pg 164) Kinda reminds me of how Henry is described after Charlotte's death in the books.

Pg 164 "When Steven got himself into a bad deal that cost him his small business... he'd taken his life." Oh, it is Henry! SMH. Way to use confusing paralells. So, from our understanding thus far, Hudson's real father, Steven, is our Henry stand-in. His step-father despite being described similar to Henry, is actually our William stand-in. Fair game, Scott.

Pg 164 "...he [Hudson] was locked into a supply closet..." Oh shit, you guys. So, let me go on a tangent here, because this IS important! I just watched a retrospective on Sister Location and FNAF 6 earlier and one theory for Midnight Motorist was the person in the chair was the mother and the kid was Michael. I think this little line may confirm that. In fact, the story may be the key to figuring things out. Obviously, the line is a paralell to FNAF 4's scene in which Crying Child was locked in the supply closet of Fredbear's. I know some people, including Matpat, believe[d] CC was Michael, and in this book's context, it sort of works. This does contradict Step Closer and 1000 other things that make Michael the older brother, but maybe it's hinting at MM? Abusive stepdad (possibly Henry... maybe William is gone at this point), checked out Mom (hey, grey couch lady with Foxybro's font). IDK, but its definetly something to think about.

Pg 165 Lewis is mentioned as calling Hudson "nothing" and saying "you're nothing" on several occasions on this page. Just more abuse, for those accurate fanfic writers like me. Also I kinda wanna watch Morel Orel again. Yall know my fav character is Clay. Yall know.

"You're smoke." <-- Lewis / The text later reads, "...there was some irony, given what eventually happened." BRUH. Why did your stepdad die in a fire? :V TELL ME.

"When his family's house burned down at the end of his senior year..." Huh. Is there a fire we don't know about in the game-verse? Could this explain what happened to the FNAF 4 house before MM house?!

"...it purged Hudson of Lewis and his mother." MRS. AFTON BURNED ALIVE, TOO? Bruh. I can't with this story.

The text later describes the fire is concluded to be man-made and Hudson was blamed for it. Can't say if this ties to Michael, but it IS interesting... TBF, there is a small paralell to draw between Henry in FNAF 6 and his history of suicide in the books, too.

Pg 166 "...this place's [FF] busted thermostat.." I just find this line funny.

Pg 167 "...after three weeks of keeping an eye on the place" Some more timeline context for FNAF 3. We know that Michael worked there a little while before we start playing the game thanks to one of the phone calls, IIRC, so this makes sense. If Michael was accused of [something] and also wanting to hunt down his father, then it makes perfect sense why he's working a dead end job at Freddy's over and over and over. Fun fun fun.

Pg 169 "He hated to think about a functional character [Foxy]" This line is in regards to Hudson not liking the set up of Pirate's Cove and Foxy's hook to scare people. Sounds familiar, don't it? (For Michael anyway.)

Pg 173 "Some big find is arriving tomorrow." SPRINGY BOI! COME ON BOOK, get on with the show?

Pg 176 "Granny was wearing a red-and-green plaid shirt and her baggy jeans." Nothing special, but it was specifically brought up twice. I'm kind of racking my brain trying to understand what the point of this character is outside of "woooo everything is haunted don't you know that" kind of character.

Pg 180 "...dropped the crate on the linoleum with a resounding thud." HEY. Poor Springtrap, just gettin' tossed around like the trash he is.

Pg 186 "If you weren't so stupid, I'd tell you more about it." Springtrap bringing the burn. =:)

"A voice with a burr-like rasp...hint of a Southern accent" I'm going to assume this is because it's Lewis probably in the suit in this story and not our old British lad.

"It's was Mr. Atkin's voice." THE MATH TEACHER? *goes back to check* 'The algebra teacher'. Okay...

Pg 190 Okay, so Hudson hear's Lewis' voice this time. Okay, I get it now. Springtrap in this kind of imbodies all of Hudson's old bullies, including the teacher. He also has PTSD, just FYI. IDK if anyone finds that important, but it's fairly obvious by the line "He wasn't in his bedroom. Lewis didn't just slam his head into a desk; his head had been slammed into the [arcade] game."

"Why did he hallucinate a scene from his childhood?" Oh, it's not PTSD, then. It's just the VENTILATION ERROR. lol Okay.

Just a note, as I'm reading through the more action-based stuff, I kind of feel bad for Michael if he had flashbacks like this guy. They're intense.

So, Lewis' voice finally comes out of Springtrap on Pg 213. There's that.

Pg 220 "You can just stay there [in his room]" Kind of a paralell to Midnight Motorist. Lewis is saying it to Hudson. I really feel like the kid in the MM game is Michael because of this story...

Pg 223 "Heat purges. Fire heals." I'm sure that's Henry's life motto.

The ending was stupid, but most in these stories are. Hudson is hallucinating and is implied to have burned himself alive in FF's oven. Meh? The first half of this one is A TRIP and a little insight into what I 100% believe is Michael's childhood. I think the saddest part of it all is that we never got Springtrap speaking to Michael in FNAF 3--and if it's ever remade I hope we get more of them interacting.

[adiabolikpastel]

Title: Lunar Eclipse Masquerade

Karlheinz pt. 3

Rating: NSFW | PG-18

Word Count: 1,947

Pairing: Karlheinz x Skye (m/m)

ღ As the part unwinds, Skye is finally able to take a breath. Though maybe there is something else on Karl's mind, as the moons affects finally seem to reach him. ღ

Mun Yu: We did it! These are the last pieces of the LEM story. The end to our Lunar Eclipse. I hope that you have enjoyed the ride, and gotten to know the stories on this blog better! Tune in at the end of it all for Authors Notes!

☆+ ﾟ .+ .ﾟ.ﾟ｡ ﾟ ｡. +ﾟ ｡ﾟ.ﾟ｡☆*｡｡ . ｡ o .｡ﾟ｡.o｡* ｡ .｡

Despite what most people think, demonic beings are very social creatures. The elites hold countless balls and parties, celebrating their immortality together, and entertaining one another with stories. Typically, they are done in celebration for something – though this is not always the case. All types of beings from across the Demon Realm will come if the host is of high enough prestige.

There would be no such host if it was not for Karlheinz. Seated as the head of the Bat Clan (vampires), Karl’s reach spans far. Being the widow for the former Demon King’s daughter, and having children of the first blood, an invitation from the Vampire King is not one to refuse. Though why would you? In his immaculate castle within the Demon Realm, Eden Castle, it is always quite the spectacle. While the celebrations held in his Human World mansion are nice, nothing compares to a true night of pleasure within the true home of the King.

On this night, there was to be a Masquerade in honor of the first Lunar Eclipsed Moon in over two years. While this night may serve each species differently, the idea to celebrate its return was simply too tempting. For this reason, Karlheinz took it upon himself – or rather – his house, to host the event. This extended to his offspring as well, regardless of their personal agenda. Members of every social elite race accepted the offer, and gathered for a truly unforgettable evening

While he was sure others had a marvelous time at the event, Skye was exhausted. It was one thing to organize and watch something happen from afar. Being one of the hosts was completely different. There was never a moment of peace. At any time someone would come up to speak with Karl, and he would have to smile and pretend to be interested.

It was enough to just be seen and not heard. How did his wives ever deal with this? Then again, they were probably all bread for this kind of thing. After departing from Shu and his new bride, Karl had insisted on taking Ajax and his wife with him on a tour. But not before getting Burai – what were these three frat brothers?

To see Karlheinz in this light was rather amusing. Not that he was very different, but one could tell that the three men had a special bond about them. Perhaps that wasn’t something Skye could understand. He wasn’t too keen on the history here in the Demon Realm, but he did know that there used to be battles constantly. These three must have been allies through all of that. Or perhaps they were enemies which Karl subdued? Skye wasn’t sure which.

“And then, wouldn’t you know it, Meteo surprised us with a visit! It was glorious to see him! Xyander and Xylon met him for the first time. Hard to think they are already three and never met their brother. My son has been so busy – but Stevi and Helios were excited to see him. Little Onan was sleeping, but I am sure they are having a great time while we are away.” Ajax prattled on and on while they walked through the castle. Skye couldn’t help but roll his eyes, just how many kids did this guy have?!

“Dear, you speak of our children much too much. Your castle is beautiful as always, Karlheinz. Thank you again for allowing us the honor of visiting. Even if it was just to swoop away with our daughter.” His wife chimes, wearing a smile, but her words drip with venom.

Karl laughed slightly at her, Skye could tell that it was mostly in triumph. “Now Catalina, we both know that Ajax would never simply give away something so precious. Callista will be well taken care of, of that I assure you.” Karl offered her comfort, but it was more so in an attempt to get the matter dropped. He had won, there was no sense in her dwelling on the past.

“Honestly, the fuss you all make over children.” Burai finally speaks. “That is why you have them one at a time. Devote what you can, then move on.”

“That is an interesting stance, though, given your record my friend – I wouldn’t lead with it.” Karl states, in reference to Burai being not only his friend, but his ex-father-in-law.

“I would choose one child every century- millennia even - over the amount you both have.” The Demon shivered, disgusted by the idea it seemed. “They are simply a means to an end. We must produce them to preserve the line and power, but nothing more.”

“That is not true! My children bring me such joy! You cannot say that you feel nothing when you look at your son now!”

“I won’t comment on that.” Burai simply answers, as Ajax berates him with further justifications of his unending love for his offspring.

Skye walks quietly next to Karl while the demons talk amongst themselves. He was ready to retire for the evening, and as they came back into the ballroom, he was glad to see most of the guests had gone. Especially at least half of Karl’s sons – all that remained were Kanato, Shu and Reiji… wait! Was Reiji seriously trying to take Shu’s dance!?

“Well isn’t that quite the problem.” Karl muses beside him. “Seems those two just cannot get along.” Skye knew that this had to be part of a larger plan. Karl doesn’t simply do anything. There is always a motive.

“Callista my dear!” Ajax’s voice boomed from behind them, the large demon B-lining straight to his daughter. He did not seem upset by her daughter being in the arms of someone other than the man he had just left her with.

“It is still a mystery how that man became a Demon Lord.” Burai comments stepping up to Karlheinz. “He is a fool.”

“Some just have other reasons for fighting. He is plenty powerful to make up for the fool. Not to mention his wife does a fairly decent job keeping things in check.” He shrugs it off, watching the ever doting father collect his daughter. “What of you? Any plans I should know about for a future love affair?”

Burai scoffs, “My last child is still alive, so do not count on it.” He says, gesturing to someone. Skye looked in the direction, hoping it would be Alrick. To his surprise, a woman seemed to respond to the signal. She was dressed in a floor length gown, but not something fancy, something closer to a maid’s outfit really. Was this a familiar? Her appearance was almost human; very bland everything. There wasn’t even a demonic presence about her.

“You have summoned me, Lord Burai?” Whoever this was, they were most certainly a servant. Not looking up even slightly, that was some quality training.

“We are leaving.” Burai dictates, the young maid bowing and excuses herself. “You celebrations are nice, however, please do keep me off any intimidate affairs. I have little time to deal with such things.” Almost as quickly as he finished his sentence the strange woman was back, and helping him put on his coat. Perhaps she was a familiar.

“You are the last person I would want to have anything intimate with, my friend.” Karl waves off the demon lord, and escorts Skye to the head of the room. Skye looked back at the Snake demon to see if Alrick was going to show up.

Instead, he saw this supposed happy bachelor prude, actually link arms with the servant! What a hypocritical- oh god was that a kiss!? Skye couldn’t believe it. Even if it was on the hand, that ass hole. Giving everyone the ‘oh look at me – I’m all business. Big bad demon lord’. He couldn’t wait to tell Alrick about it later.

“You are quite distracted. I think that’s enough sharing you for one day.” Karl’s voice brings Skye out of his train of thought. “Come, we shall retire for the evening.” His voice was soft, as if he was purposely only allowing Skye to hear.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to imply something, my king.” Skye knew that there was no way this night was not going to end without the two of them becoming intimate. Honestly he was pretty tired. Not to mention, it was his impression that the Bloody Moon was supposed to affect the bat clan. Here the night is over and Karl’s been the same. Rip off.

Karl laughed a little at Skye’s comment, “Haha, you know me too well.” He moves a hand around Skye’s waist, holding him close. Within moments the two of them were moved out of the ballroom and into their room. Well, this was the room they typically fooled around in. Skye knew this wasn’t Karl’s room – he actually doubted that the man slept at all.

Skye smiles up at Karl and moves over to the bed, sitting on the edge, crossing his legs. “I must say, that was fun being your little arm candy ~ I don’t think there was a single person who missed it.” That thought sent shivers up his spine. What a thrill it was to be seen. Not to mention seen by all those stuck up demons who would normally look down on him.

Karl watches Skye bask in the afterglow of their appearance. What a strange creature he was, actually wanting to be the center of the universe. Yet at this moment, Karl felt like that role suited Skye more than any other. “Yes, you were magnificent, my siren.” His praise seemed to affect him, as their eyes were soon looking over one another.

With a smirk on his face, Karl summoned his magic to disrobe the cape which was draped over his shoulder. Whilst he undid the buttons on his vest, and loosened the tie around his neck. “So well in fact,” He stepped out of his shoes, and allowed magic to take his discarded clothing off to be hung up. “I believe you deserve a reward.”

Skye was entranced by Karl’s mystical display. God it was always so hot to watch him strip. Way better than doing all that work himself. Just as Skye was about to do the same, Karl suddenly dipped down and knelt before him. “My King…?” Skye’s eyes widened. This man was not about to do something stupid, right?!

With a small laugh, Karl slowly started to take off Skye’s heels. “Your expression dictates you were thinking something absurd.” He softly kisses the top of Skye’s foot. “I am rewarding you for all the hard work you did for this night, not punishing you.” There was a hint of melancholy to his words.

Karl had no interest in submitting another to the role of his ‘wife’ again. The title was nothing but a front anyway. He had not loved anyone. Still loved no one. These ‘feelings’ for Skye - if they were love, Karl would have no idea. Their time together was an end to boredom alone. The means to a release. Though if that were completely true, Skye wouldn’t be as involved as he was with Karl’s professional life.

The boy was more than just his assistant here. In the Human World, he was even Tougo Sakamaki’s new face. People saw him more than they did the politician. Once Skye had finished school, he came onto the alias’ line of work, and began working as the personal secretary for the famed politician. Karl was sure that Skye would even be a nurse for Reinhert if he had asked.

Skye let out a soft mew in response to Karl’s gentle touches and kisses. This was new, he was never this gentle. It felt nice, especially since his feet were killing him from the heels. Beauty was so painful. He was happy that things were like this, how silly to think that Karlheinz would even consider a marriage. Well, it wasn’t like he honestly thought about it - it was more just the shock of him actually kneeling.

Though now that he got a good look - the sight of the Karlheinz was worshiping his feet. “Heh, my king~ I have to admit, mhmm, the sight of you down there… is really turning me on~” He says, moving his other foot to locate Karl’s groin.

Karl simply focuses on his task at hand. Slowly. Sweetly. Moving his lips up from Skye’s foot, up his leg. “Mm! My King… if you tease me so much I - ah!” Karl moves to just behind Skye’s knee - one of his biggest weak spots. Skye bites back another moan.

“Now that wont do.” Karl suddenly speaks and looks up at Skye. His eyes are full of desire. Hunger. Lust. “I want to hear you. Every sigh. Gasp. Moan. You will not hold anything back. In return, I shall spoil you. Every. Inch.” He smirks, wetting his lips, and picking up Skye’s other foot. “So. Be the beautiful siren you are meant to be. And submit yourself to my will.”

☆+ ﾟ .+ .ﾟ.ﾟ｡ ﾟ ｡. +ﾟ ｡ﾟ.ﾟ｡ ROUTE END☆*｡｡ . ｡ o .｡ﾟ｡.o｡* ｡ .｡

[roc-thoughtblog]

Sense and Sensibility Readthrough Part 6

Chapter 9, Pages 34-39

Previously, I spent a whole hour on Chapter 8 because Marianne has a most amusing inability to understand anybody with the barest smidgen of emotional reserve, or anybody older than 27 in general.

In the end I spent my whole hour on chapter 9 too; this time it was "animating gales" that set me off on a tangent. I have no regrets though, I feel like I understand Austen's writing style just a bit better out of that.

I am starting to think my reading pace for Idoru just doesn’t translate to S&S though. Asides from tangents, maybe also for the relative density of the language in S&S, so maybe 5page/hour is just my Austen rate. We’ll see.

I did used to also spend 2 or more, uncounted hours, but part of this blog is that I also want to learn to pace myself and be aware of my time, so I’ll be sticking to one hour reading sessions and optionally an extra hour on something else.

Readthrough below.

Chapter 9 Dashwoods getting used to their new home; especially being able to be themselves again without worrying about Fanny, I bet. Relatable. Apparently they're consistently busy with hobbies at home (apparently Sir Middleton has none at home). And they're enjoying long, lushly described walks around the local area. Declined to do as much socialising as Sir M, but really who does as much socialising as Sir M?

GASP! Margaret still exists! :D

She's gone out to the hill to play with Marianne! I forgot that they're both kids, tween and teenager. They have that rare opportunity to simply be carefree.

when they caught in their faces the animating gales of a high south-westerly wind, [...] they pursued their way against the wind, resisting it with laughing delight for about twenty minutes longer, when suddenly the clouds united over their heads, and a driving rain set full in their face.

Haha, hubris! This section gives me pause to make a few observations though:

Firstly, this entire section is perhaps the most vivid and alive I can remember Austen describing anything: "exquisite enjoyment of air on the summits, "partial sunshine of a showery sky", "animating gales", and more. She can seriously paint a picture when she feels the narrative need; very rapid-fire showers of imagery, some of it even in-motion! The whole animating gales lines I really love, it has so much cool and vivid energy that I can really feel. Ah! I suppose that tactile element of the wind really lends it that extra, beautifully immersive dimension too. Note to self: settings do not have to be still, and even though it's often said, it bears reminding that it really pays to complement visuals with other senses. Oh! The animating gales line is also very Gibson-esque; it artfully combines all of the movement, tactile and emotional qualities of a refreshing wind to the face into a single wholistic, elegant feeling.

Secondly, I feel like this line illustrates really well one technique that Austen uses a lot, that gives part of the cheeky and sardonic feel of her narration. The one where she sets up or builds an expectation that might be positive, and then very abruptly and dryly (with no fanfare) subverts it and lets it completely bottom out without warning, turning all the positives upside-down. I've observed her previously using it to "compliment" her own characters, and I referred to it as "backhanded", but here with the scenery I'm starting to pick up the actual mechanism behind it. Is there a name for this? I'm going to call it an Austenism, for something to refer to it as, until I find out if it has a proper name. Either way I'm going to be more conscious of it from here on out.

Lastly, will Margaret ever talk? Poor girl finally had a chance to speak and all she got was "Margaret agreed." :'D

Anyway they try to run back home, because driving rains. Aww yess, running down a grassy hill in a heavy rain, I genuinely love that feeling. Marianne trips and twists her ankle. Oops, thats always a risk, I admit.

A rainswept stranger with a gun and two dogs stops to princess-carry her all the way down the hill home and into a comfy seat. Wow, she might love that. HAHA Elinor and Mama Dashwood both secretly think he's attractive. Does he leave without a word? Not as such, but the scene has no dialogue, so we are left quite deliberately to admire an "uncommonly handsome" and charming stranger in full air of mystery. Might also be because this chapter has so far been from Marianne's perspective, and being picked up by a romantic stranger out of the rain has probably destroyed her ability to remain situationally aware.

Mama Dashwood is so pleased. This guy's name is Willoughby apparently, he's too polite to stay and sit his rainy butt down on a fancy couch, and he's going to come again tomorrow to check that Marianne is okay.

and then he departed, to make himself still more interesting, in the midst of an heavy rain.

HAHA- Austen knows what she's doing here. I wonder how commonly she read such tropes in her time, to skewer them so much right now? "His manly beauty" HAHAHA it keeps going.

Marianne's completely flushed and totally overwhelmed by everything. He comes straight out of Marianne's favourite romance novels! She's definitely about to be completely infatuated if she's anything like some of my friends were back then. Yep, she's already decided that his shooting jacket is the most attractive jacket.

I have a feeling he's so perfect for Marianne in a such a completely cliched way that he's probably gonna get hella subverted before the end.

They find out from Sir Middleton the social butterfly that Willoughby comes down every year and is generally a nice bloke. HAHA Marianne wants to know everything about him in full infatuation mode, and Sir M is just like, "What? Iunno girl, but hey did you see his really awesome dog? What a good pupper."

Elinor asks better questions, as Elinor do. Reminds me of D&D when only one player remembers to ask the DM actual plot questions (usually me... ;>.>). Willoughby's related to that old lady nearby with the big estate and due to inherit it. Well, that sure is conventionally eligible.

Sir Middleton still seems convinced that Marianne and Colonel Brandon have an attraction and that Marianne is setting about on a new "conquest." Rude. Marianne (”warmly”) gives him a real piece of her mind about that. I would too. Sadly it's all wasted on Sir M's somewhat limited comprehension.

Only a few pages again today before I ran overtime. I'm starting to suspect I'm just not going to pick up any pace until I get familiar enough with Austen's writing that I'm not encountering something new to ruminate on the middle of every chapter.

[girlwiththegreenhat]

thoughts on ur favorite drink? ur favorite art program? thoughts on keeping a sketchbook? on any pets you have?

HELL yeah thanks for the ask i hope u like tangents on tangents and run on sentences because just like my blog description says, I Do Not Shut Up!

favorite type of drink: crystal pepsi

every fucking year i email the Bepsi company and ask when this god damn drink is coming back. last year? literally spent almost all of 2019 moving house, and i got no crystal pepsi anywhere in that time. now it’s 2020. there’s a plague. and the world is burning. and there’s still no fucking crystal pepsi. the moral of the story here is, as soon as pepsi brings back The Good Shit, everything can be nice again. i am .3 seconds away from breaking into pepsi HQ in the midst of this Rioting Chaos just to steal the Crystal Pepsi recipe from their fat stupid noses and start making it myself. I will market it as... Creestöl Bepsi.

oh wait im supposed to talk about the drink, right, shit’s good yo. you know how all clear sodas taste vaguely the same? they all taste like Clear Drink? this is like Clear Drink in it’s purest form. it is the Clearest Drink. with the most Clearest Drink taste. and thanks to it’s (formerly) limited annual runs at the end of summer it literally tastes like nostalgia. I have left the house like twice in the last three months but if they brought back crystal pepsi i would march out of my house like its on fire (wearing a mask of course) and buy every fucking bottle i could find, life savings be damned

so anyway yeah crystal pepsi’s good i guess

favorite art program: begrudgingly, photoshop

adobe may be a greedy bitch baby company who doesnt actually let you buy their software outright but damn,,, photoshop Nice,,, hehehehe,,, i can do so Much with it it’s such a multitool of a program,,, i just upgraded to the 2020 version in february and there’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many more brushes than there were in the 2014 version, and most of them are actually really useful!! i’m living for this guy’s brushes, uh, kyle?? yeah, kyle t. webster. now THAT guy knows how to make some brushes. i’ve been using the same ones for like six years but he’s got this GORGEOUS lineart brush i’ve been using and dear god i love it too much to ever go back. I Will Never Go Back. AND I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT LIKE, BLEND BRUSHES?? there are ones that perfectly emulate real pencils thanks to how photoshop handles brushes, it even wears out and widens with use (you can choose how fast...) and you can TILT your STYLUS to USE THE BROADER SIDE OF THE “LEAD”??? LIKE?? A REAL PENCIL???? still blows my mind,, photoshop’s brush engine is fucking amazing,,

Thoughts on keeping a sketchbook?

sketchbooks are great and i envy people who have those really nice, blank-page sketchbooks with the little rounded corners on each page? and they always fill them with studies and life drawings,,, its so Aesthetic,,,

meanwhile im adamant for some damn reason to do most of my drawings on lined paper still. not the serious ones, but if im doodling, or just doing a sketch i intend to finish in photoshop? composition notebook. i have Dozens of Actual sketchbooks, but those are so nice... i don’t want to fill them with stupid meme drawings and things i wont finish and things i draw Badly and things that i Will finish but not There. i’m glad im not going to college cuz i always hear “oh you have to submit your sketchbooks” im like haha What cuz my sketchbooks,,,, are probably some of the most unprofessional, badly organized, unfinished messes out there,,, like i do studies but it’s all on lined notebook paper and half-destroyed composition notebooks because at the end of 8th grade everyone was throwing out their unused or slightly used school supplies and there was a WHOLE RECYCLING BIN FULL OF COMPOSITION NOTEBOOKS?? MOST OF WHICH ONLY HAD THE FIRST LIKE 15 PAGES FILLED OUT IF THAT???? SO I JUST KINDA. RAIDED IT?? i havent bought lined paper in 8 years and all the school supplies i looted out of the garbage that day carried me all the way through high school. i bought maybe one notebook in highschool, that was it. i think i literally trash picked a lifetime of lined paper,,,

,,, anyway i have a Nice Sketchbook (no lined paper!) ive been toting around since sophomore year of high school. it’s still got printouts taped to it from supernatural and doctor who and black rock shooter. this was seven years ago, i still use it when i want to use Nice Paper, and only now am i approaching the last pages. i also have a separate sketchbook i decided to start using for concept art and sketches for my webcomic i will never actually start working on! that one’s about as professional as i get, it’s full of robot designs and sketches of scenes. its fun.

i am not a real artist aslkdfkljdfskjldsfkjl

Thoughts on any pets you have?

i love me pets! they are not my pets they are my parents pets but i take care of them more so who cares. i love them. i love all three doggos even if Gigi is an old lazy fart that doesn’t care about anything that isn’t sleeping, food, going outside, or bellyrubs. she doesn’t even listen to you if you call her or tell her to do something. i dont know what her deal is. and gemma!! is a depressed muppet. she’s probably just getting old herself even though she’s only,,, seven. we got a third dog and she never got over it. she is still my favorite though, she’s adorable and i love her little under bite and her big goofy eyes that don’t have a single thought or braincell behind them. she floofy and snuggley and a big ol scardey cat who always comes into my room for hours when there’s a Loud Sound outside which is great because i cant sleep when something else is alive in my room and its not me but whatever i cant say no to her, especially now that we’re both on the same floor and i would probably take a bullet for this funky lil fuzzball.

speaking of the third dog that is kiwi i post more pictures of her than anyone else for some reason but she’s a cute lil goblin. i mean what is this thing. what is it!! im not even entirely convinced its a dog, i think its a weird lil alien that knows what a dog looks like and that’s it

what is this thing!! dont know!! she’s plotting though!! i have never seen Thoughts happening in a dogs head before but she Knowes Things. she learned how to slap the other dogs. 80% of the time if you point a phone at her she stops moving because she somehow understands the concept of a “Camera.” she’s a little chaos bagel. a chaos bagel with a critical case of The Zoomies and a burning hatred of feet

we also have a budgie named olive. he’s pretty, but quiet

[sadncssfossilized]

sexuality troubles.

i’m so fucking confused. being non-binary/trans makes everything so fucking hard. i don’t know where i fit... anywhere on the sexuality spectrum. i have no idea if all of my attraction to men is real or if i’m forcing it on myself bc im afab. i don’t know if i’m bi. ive always wanted to be attractive to men ever since i was small i think as a coping mechanism because of trauma. but i’m also extremely scared of older men, even if i do find celebrities attractive. but a lot of male celebrities i straight up DONT find attractive at all, they’re like cardboard to me. i don’t know if that’s because i think a lot of hollywood white men hearththrobs look extremely bland/the same bc white society or if there’s something genuinely off with my attraction to men meter. ive heard people say that not being able to process whether a man is attractive or not is a lesbian thing. but i don’t feel like a lesbian. i don’t feel female. i love women, i have always known that, but i don’t feel like a woman and i don’t want to be a woman. i want to look masculine. i want to be masculine. i don’t want to be a girl anymore. i don’t want to be a man, completely, i just want to be.... not a woman. not a man. a nothing.

is it a preference or am i only attracted to women?? i loved being bi. i love the flag i love the options, and i don’t really process people’s gender’s except on a social level. ive never been close with ANY boys across my life, or even more than acquaintances because of my shy and reserved nature and i’ve never connected with any on a personal level both because of fear, being flustered, and feeling like they’re cooler and more superior to be and genuinely a different species so to say, so i don’t know if that has to do with my fear of being sexually involved with them. i’m always afraid men want the worst from me, and i always get the feeling that they are judging me based on my attractiveness to them and discard me mentally as soon as i am not and i hate that so much. i think because i’ve never known a boy truly and deeply, i keep prejudices against them and don’t think that they are as compassionate or HUMAN as non-men. but at the same time, i’ve always felt called to get self worth from their attraction to me. literally since pre-elementary. even if i think a guy is ugly i still base my worth off of if he’s attracted to me?? it’s automatic, and fucked up. i’m scared to go further than flirt with a boy. i’m scared to mess up conversationally , i’m scared of entering a relationship with one especially because i’d be the “woman” in it, and i don’t want to be fucked like a man fucks a woman. i want a queer man so i can feel safe and normal around him. straight men are an enigma to me. they scare me so much with their lack of societal awareness and cruelty. i feel like they don’t GET IT you know? but if i ever was to date one, since i’m pre transition and in the closet i’d have to pretend to be a woman and pretend to be okay with that. the idea of a man taking me like i was a woman makes me want to hurl.... that’s not the relationship dynamic i want at all.

all of my emotions toward men are so fucking conflicting. ive dreamed of kissing men before, fantasized about being soft with them, holding their hand, cupping their face and kissing them gently, but if they’re an irl i never fantasize about what they would be like sexually, land the idea kind of off puts/repulses me in a way. thinking of my irl women crushes kind of makes me feel the same way, but i’m more open to the possibility of that? ive never had a relationship with a man and only probably had like 1 male friend across my entire life, so my fear could be because of trauma + fear of the unknown + bc of my prejudices bc of my lack of experience + dysphoria. meanwhile, i’ve had 1 girlfriend and all of my friends have been female my whole life. ive just NEVER been comfortable around boys/men. which i feel like is less indicative of lesbianism and more of like. trauma haha. i sexualized myself at such a young age to cater to the boys around me and even to the adult men around me, it hurts to think about. i hate how trauma complicates everything. i don’t know why i have that impulse, i don’t know why it started. ive just never felt safe around a boy. i feel like they always want something from me. ive been attracted to them but i’m soo scared o f them. like, i always have something to prove, whether it be my personality or humor or attractiveness, just to stay in their presence.

nsfw incoming.

ive tried to jack off to a lot of gay porn and i think my men attraction meter is broken because so many of the men in gay porn are ugly/unattractive to me. straight up. in their face, and body. and the body ideals in the gay community, where i would fit in post transition, don’t.... resonate with me. like not to be crude but a lot of the body types of the men in here are unattractive to me, but then again it’s white dominated and caters to a very specific vision of a huge bubble butt, way huge thighs, overly ripped chest, bland ass white boy faces paired with ugly haircuts. is this what i’m supposed to be attracted to? the men i’ve been attracted to irl do not look like that. the men in gay porn are all so passionless too. (which is honestly an issue i have that makes jacking off to women in porn sort of difficult too??) i don’t know. i don’t feel like i’m attracted to men the same way gay men are. but then again, how would i know that? i don’t know any actual gay men. i just know from some porn blogs? some pornhub videos? i don’t fucking know. i jack off to images/videos of men very few times compared to how much i get off to women bc of my particularity . it’s more difficult, but it’s easier by when i think about how the man feels, like his pleasure, his sounds, his expressions, rather than the aesthetics of it all. not to say i don’t appreciate the aesthetics of some nice men- chris evans, frank ocean, rob mcelhenney, taika waititi, nice. which sounds like a very non-lesbian thing to say i would think, but i know a ton of lesbians who talk about celebrity men super raunchily and stuff, so i don’t know anymore and i don’t think i know enough about lesbianism to know whether these are lesbian experiences or not. the majority of men content ive jacked off to has been gay fan fiction, and that has actually been easy to get off to bc of the descriptions and the i can visualize characters and passion the way i want. it’s harder to do it with actual videos/images of men, because it’s so different in my mind and imagination m, but that may be bc gay porn can involve a lot of roughness/impersonal-ness? also i feel like i still have a certain degree of internalized homophobia toward both wlw AND mlm despite working through my acceptance of my sexuality for a number of years.

i just want a person. but i don’t know if it’s beyond my control who i’m sexually attracted to. my sexual attraction to men is a lot lower than to women, and it’s a lot easier for me to make them bland in my head and not be able to point out a unique thing about them . i feel like girls are more... distinct/easily alluring to me than most men you know. that may also be affected by how women actually know how to dress and look unique and men don’t really shift from 1 bland societal style, i don’t know. i don’t know. i want to be attracted to men. as a transmasc, i want to be gay. i don’t want to be straight. ive been gay all my life, and i don’t want to leave that label. i want softness and love. but men scare me, and i don’t know if it’s because of a tragic coalescence of bad life experiences (or lack thereof) or because of genuine lesbianism. ive talked so much about being bi, and even been called a confused lesbian before by transphobes, and ever since they said it i cant stop questioning. i feel like at this point i HAVE to be a lesbian or something, bc that’s how this shit goes in movies and stories. i don’t want to be a lesbian. i want to be attracted to men, i wanna be bi and be equally attracted to both, i want experiences with both in my mind, but irl i get so fucking scared and i don’t want anything to do with it. i don’t wanna be a straight transmasc and i also don’t want to become what transphobes have spent their time telling me i am. i want to be what i’ve always thought i’ve been, bisexual and transmasc. i was comfortable with bisexual, until everybody else kept telling me to question and it’s been eating me alive since. fuck. i don’t know anything. is this a preference and bad combination of a huge number of deeper factors or am i straight up NATURALLY not attracted to men? have i been lying to mhself? have all my attractions in the past been fake? this is gonna sound terrible but i don’t want to be a lesbian. it doesn’t feel right. and id be proving the horrible people right, and have to retract everything i’ve ever said about being bi to my following on my other social media. and i’ve said a LOT. and i’d also have to give up my admiration of my irl men crushes and male celebrities and their sexiness. all of this shit is so ridiculous but at least i’m being honest with myself with this post. someone help me haha

[makeste]

some asks about BnHA 241 and 240 and then some random other asks

I agree with this completely, anon (especially given his attitude throughout the rest of the chapter), but I didn’t edit my initial response since I think there’s a good likelihood that he still deadpanned the line despite being 100% sincere. one could say he was Accidentally Sarcastic. anyways yeah, Todoroki Shouto is a disaster more at 11. 

(but also, he’s totally right and Bakugou is in full-blown denial over their blossoming friendship. because he already decided that they’re Not Friends, and thus he has to actively work to maintain that status now. which Todoroki is making very difficult these days! can you fucking do your part to keep the fucking rivalry going, Icy-Hot?? can you at least try?? why does he have to do all the work. sometimes he forgets for a moment and Todo catches him off guard and he responds normally without thinking and doesn’t realize it until later, and god. why is everything and everyone so stupid.)

I have not forgotten (though I did mix up Pixie-Bob with Mandalay though woop)! and that annoyed me too. we only have like six female pros out there as it is. why do half of them (looking at you too, Midnight) have to be mildly sex-crazed. I know it’s not serious and they’re not actually being serious, but still, is it really asking so much to get some female pros whose eccentricities are less specifically tailored to common male fantasies. you’re a fucking hero Pixie-Bob! you’re a fucking earthbender and you’re hot as heck. why are you so worried about not being able to Get A Man. with Mt. Lady it at least fits more with her general personality from what we’ve seen, I guess. anyways, y’all know I love like 98% of this series, but this is part of the 2%, so. it is what it is.

Tomura is Endgame Thanos, a.k.a. the most sinister and most genuinely frightening of the Thanoses. this really isn’t on track to end well sob.

ah, my bad. (regardless, it was still dramatic af.)

I think she’s a six-year-old (?? she seems six-ish, idk) girl who was terrified of her father and trying to stay under his radar (which was frankly the smart thing to do based on what we’ve seen), and was trying to teach her younger brother how to do the same, and I don’t blame her at all for throwing Tenko under the bus (if that’s indeed what happened); I’m sure she just panicked and didn’t mean it. she’s just a kid. -- was just a kid. anyways she was super cute and would have made a fucking awesome hero, and her death is easily the one I’m still the most raw about out of that whole fucking nightmare. I’m not getting over that. I want her to still be alive; at one point I was convinced of a conspiracy theory that AFO had secretly spared her too (because two Shimura heirs to manipulate are better than one), and Tomura only believed that she was dead due to his fragmented memories. but that seems less likely post-chapter 236.

so yeah, I’m still very upset about this. she was good and kind and loved her brother and had a lot of spirit and she did not even remotely deserve what happened to her.

thank you so much!! one of the best parts of fandom is interacting with other people and reading everyone’s different takes and theories. lord knows I miss a lot of stuff when I read, even when I’m trying very hard to pay attention. so I love when other people point stuff out and bring up ideas I hadn’t thought about.

also! without exception, every single person I’ve ever interacted with in this fandom on tumblr has been polite and courteous and civil as fuck, even on the occasions when we disagree, and I absolutely can’t take credit for that. people are just cool. so thank you everyone. (and particular shoutout to @thequietmanno1, who for some reason I can’t tag, but whom this ask is almost certainly referring to specifically.)

lmao anon this made my fucking day. thank you!!

all right, here goes!

a) this is possible for sure in that as a rule, I never put anything past AFO, and I don’t doubt for a second he’d be capable of this. but, it would kind of suck though. specifically it would suck for Tomura, who’s only just starting to come into his own at long last, and who has gone through quite a lot to get to this point. like, that would be devastating to see him reduced to a literal puppet after all of that. and if it did happen, I don’t know what the odds would be of him actually being “saved” after that (All Might at least would try, but I can’t see anyone else being concerned enough to bother. well except for the rest of the League, come to think of it. that could be interesting), and I’d be really sad if that ended up being how he went out. these things usually don’t end up working out too well for the body snatchee.

plus, this also hinges on whether or not AFO is capable of transferring his quirk to Tomura’s body. if not, there’s no way he’d take the tradeoff, regardless of how powerful Tomura’s own quirk has become at this point. that would just be a really bad deal. like trading the cow for beans, except these ones aren’t even magic beans, just like. normal beans. but if he does have a way of transferring the AFO quirk, then yeah. although he could take anyone’s body then if that was the case, and I can think of a few targets who just might be even more tempting than his protege. All Might’s protege, for one. ...you know what, this line of thinking is starting to get a little too horrifying so let’s move on to the other theory lol.

(b) a few people have mentioned the Shimura Momo theory to me, but to be totally honest, I can’t see much of a logical basis for it other than them bearing a slight resemblance and having similar hairstyles. Inko has also been brought up as potentially being related to Nana for the same reasons. it’d be cool, no doubt, but for me, I need more evidence than just that. I just don’t see how this would advance the plot or the characters’ storylines in any meaningful way. I guess it could potentially tie Momo in more to the central plot, but it’d be kind of a weird way to do it, idk.

then again I’m one to talk, because until fairly recently I was on board with Hagakure of all people turning out to be a Shimura (Hana, to be specific). she’s the traitor, she’s invisible, we never did find out what Hana’s quirk was, and this would mean that Hana was still alive this whole time which would be GREAT, because seriously fuck you Horikoshi!! but yeah that doesn’t seem likely now either. dammit.

anyway, so I’ll just say that both of these theories are possible, but for me personally, in order to be sold on a specific theory I need to be able to see how it logically fits within the storyline and how it moves the story forward. like, Dabi being Todoroki Touya is something I’m 100% on board with, because that’s an established mystery in the series (who is Touya, what happened to him, who is Dabi, etc.), and Dabi fits into place with the evidence we have, and it gives us a lot of Todoroki drama and gives Endeavor and Shouto a personal connection to the Leagu... Pliff. but for something like the Momo theory, I would need there to be some indication that there’s a third sibling we don’t know about, and some hinting about there being more to Momo’s past than we know, and right now I don’t see either of those things, so it’s hard to get on board. hopefully that makes sense.

anon I really like that you phrased this as an inevitability lol. (and I am 100% on board.)

assuming this happens at the very end of the series, I like to think Tomura and the rest of his gang will manage to “escape” the heroes (“oh no... Tomura... he’s getting away... this is awful... somebody stop him” meanwhile no one is making even the slightest effort to move lol), at which point they will live the rest of their lives happily ever after as Lovable Outlaws and All-Around Scamps. like, maybe they’ll still commit some crimes, but they won’t be like serious crimes or anything. they’ll have more of a Guardians of the Galaxy vibe, maybe. I want them to be happy and I don’t want them to go to jail even though they’re teeeeeeeechnically murderers, I GUESS (look, nobody’s perfect!!). but maybe they steal the occasional priceless artifact and inadvertently wind up saving the world. seems like the best compromise.

lol I don’t know what this means either. like in the way a Youtuber has their own brand?? or like Frito-Lays. idk all I really do is talk a lot about an extremely popular manga, so I don’t think that’d really count?? I’m fine with this just being a little tumblr discussion blog haha.

so I’ve gotten like a half dozen asks and messages about this lol. (someone actually told me a very specific detail about said past! so just to remind everyone, I’m spoiler-free on Vigilantes right now guys, I’m sorry. I know it’s no fun.) I regret to admit that I still have not yet gotten around to it. I don’t know what it is, but I’m having a lot of trouble reading new stuff right now. I tried to start the other new BnHA spin-off which @temperatezone told me about (and btw no I did not know about it, so thank you!!) (and also! BnHA has THREE SEPARATE FUCKING SPIN-OFFS right now, how fucking crazy is that. like, I don’t want to accuse a manga series of literally trying to take over the world, but!! seriously that’s just insane), which has an amazing premise, but I haven’t had time/been in the right mindset to start that yet either. it sucks. I’m sorry. I’m working on it. ;;

press f to pay respects to what could have been, guys. they literally had it all. class, an ironic acronym, you name it. and now it’s just PLF. the Iron Patriot of villain organization names.

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Chisaki Kai with a Fem!S/O who needs comfort

Trigger Warning: Mentions of past abuse

So, not many blogs write about darker themes and I know there are many people who need comfort and help, advice, someone to talk to, so... Yeah, I write comfort stuff for people who need help, who experienced any kind of past abuse, especially since I had my fair share of bad stuff happening.

Take care of yourself and always know that your own happiness is the most important thing in your life!! <3

I know Chisaki isn’t the most romantic/sensitive persona and in canon I’m not sure he’d actually CARE much about anyone, but just like he cares about Hari, I think that there are ways to get to him, to see his softer side, as long as you’re not someone that he needs to use to reach his goal (ex: Eri’s innocence and purity never got to him because he needed to use her, so he never thought of her more than an object to use as he pleases)

“Y/N, dear, today you’re going to be meeting Chisaki-san very soon, so get dressed in something appropriate and elegant, then come in the living room so we can greet him properly, understood?” my mother said sternly, looking at me with a cold stare. “Yes, mother.” I reply in a meek voice, hurrying to my room.

There, I make my hair slightly wave-y, put a thin, black headband, to go with my fire red hair, a white victorian shirt tucked in a long, black skirt that went just a bit above my ankles, put on skin-coloured stockings, black flats, and a soft jewelry set of bronze earrings, necklace and a ring, all sporting a gorgeous forest-green emerald, to highlight my eyes.

I quickly apply natural coloured make up, so I would have some colour and a slight blush to my face, added some white crayon on my lower lid to give the impression of big, innocent, obedient eyes, then went to the living room, where I got the seal of approval from my mother, who sat next to my father, on the sofa, both looking extremely strict and straight, whereas I had to stand up until this Chisaki man arrived, so I could be introduced to him, then I could fetch wine and other stuff that an obedient wife should do.

To be fair, I don’t really know strictly what I should do, but they’ll just tell me anyways, so it will be fine.

The clock struck 8 P.M. and the next second, the butler opened the door, revealing a tall man, with a lean body, dressed in a white suit, white gloves and a black mask, his eyes gleaming like gold in the Sun, incredibly intimidating, as if he could set the whole manor on fire with the flick of him hand, and he was welcomed to sit on the sofa opposite of my parents.

Before that, he shook my father’s hand, bowed to my mother, “kissing” her hand, then as he got in front of me, I did a low courtesy, telling him my name in a voice barely above a whisper, then he bowed in front of me, properly introducing himself to me, then kissed my hand, through the mask, just like he did with my mother, but not before stealing a longer look at me, his vibrant amber eyes looking directly into my innocent emerald ones, making me feel as if I was under a microscope, observed and analysed, like a hunter stalking its prey.

On the other hand, as I looked into his eyes, it seemed like everything around me was black and white, a complete lifeless blur, the only thing alive being his radiant golden eyes, that were, on the surface, unreadable, and yet, somehow gave off a menacing vibe, perfectly fitting for the Yakuza leader.

“It is my pleasure to finally meet you, Miss L/N. I have heard many wonderful words about you, yet nothing compares to seeing you in real life.” he said in a very alluring voice, yet his words seemed as empty as any broken cup.

“You’re too kind, Mr. Chisaki. I appreciate your word. You, as well, are exceeding any expectations existent.” I replied, looking down, an unfortunate habit I have developed over the years.

After the formalities, I poured wine in their cups and then I was told to wait outside, since I shouldn’t know of such affairs, and they only called me later to say goodbye, and found out I will be moving in completely at Chisaki’s base over this week.

Goodbye world as we know it.

I settled in my room, seeing that it was a huge dormitory with bathroom inside, everything extremely comfortable, and more, a side-room only for clothes, put my laptop on the bed and took out the few clothes I got with me.

As part of the deal, my parents promised to fill my card every week with quite a huge sum of money, so I can accommodate in this new place...Which means I can finally buy things I want, wear what I want...And kinda do what I want, to a certain degree.

NEAT!

In the evening, a knock on the door took me out of my thoughts and as I opened it, a bored looking Kurono was there, telling me that dinner was ready, and if I wanted to eat with him and Chisaki, since he was a bit free, or eat in my room.

Since I was going to live here forever, I thought it would be nice to get to know these guys better, especially my soon-to-be-husband, that is. I had a few huge worries in plastered in my head, all of them thrown at me by my own mother, that is, but I tried to pay them no mind.

“Oh, uh...Should I dress in anything more appropriate or something? I don’t want to offend anyone or-” I said, not realising I was rambling out of worry, until Hari put a hand on my shoulder. “Just like this is fine. There are no rules here of how to dress or anything, so anything works just fine.” he said in an emotionless tone, a bit surprised by my worries. “Really? Like...All kinds of outfits are okay here? Even those outfits teenagers wore outside when we passed by?” I asked a little too excited, not realising my eyes were wide in shock. “Uhm...Yeah, that’s okay. As long as it’s nothing indecent, anything works. Now, follow me.” he motioned for me to follow to the supposed living-room. “Then, if I am to order some things from the internet, where should I put the address? It obviously can’t come here, so...Where else?” I asked curiously. “There’s this place where we go every week where I think would work. I can just pick the package up or have someone send it here any time, if you want.” he replied, opening the door for me. “But since the card is on my name, would they allow someone else other than me to take it? I don’t really have much to do, so I can go take it myself so I won’t bother you! Just...I need some directions, since I’m pretty directionally challenged...” I chuckled awkwardly, scratching the back of my neck. “I’ll take you there when the time comes. I will write the address on a piece of paper so you know what to write.” he mumbled, pulling out the chair for me to sit down at the small table. I thank him timidly, not really being used to that happening to me, then just as he too sits down, Chisaki enters the room, dressed in white vans, black jeans, a black shirt and a white loose tie, having the same white gloves, and weirdly enough, a beak shaped mask. Just as i was indoctrinated at home, I jolt to my feet and bow to him, greeting him formally, only to feel his hand on my head.

“Raise your head, Y/N. You are supposed to be my fiance, not my maid, so there is no need to act like one.” he said in a stern voice, making me sit back down. “O-Oh, haha, of course, I apologise. I’ve been told that’s the thing a proper wife should do, sorry if I made you uncomfortable or anything.” I smiled awkwardly, biting my lip. “I see. I will keep that in mind. What I can say is that there is no need for any unneeded formality.” he replied, taking off his mask before he started to eat.

Nodding and humming in understanding, I start eating as well, slowly, trying to not to make any noise while at it, and when I finished, I waited until I got the permission to be excused from the table so I could start ordering stuff online. Kurono didn’t realise at first why I was shifting a bit in my seat, but Chisaki easily realised and told me I’m dismissed and that I shouldn’t wait for him to tell me what to do, since I have a mind of my own and I should use it accordingly.

Perhaps I should try and stop being so closed off, listening more to my intuition, rather than to my parents’ communistic indoctrination. So... Let’s buy cute, pastel clothes! Pastel pink, pastel purple, pastel blue! Lots of cute accessories! Goodness gracious, these are all just so cute!

I wonder if Chisaki will like these? Nah, probably not, he doesn’t seem like a person to care about these things. I am, after all, just a part of the deal he made with my parents. He marries me, and with that, a part of my parents’ business, since I will inherit it after they die.

Too bad that Chisaki doesn’t know some of these dark secrets behind this deal...

I dressed in a super cute pastel purple, fixed my light purple wig then went out of the room, ready to go out to the local Starbucks and enjoy a nice chocolate frappe with weird but fun name, then update my social media with cute pics. Three months passed since I came to be Chisaki Kai’s fiancee and truth be told, it was the most liberating thing I’ve ever experienced. It was weird, but I felt free like never before.

When I was with my parents, going out of the house was a strict no-no, unless it was some charity ball I was made to attend, so other rich people who had sons could see me...All for business deals, of course. But now, except for the fact that he’s always very busy, he has his own room, so my own dorm is my private space where nobody goes and I’m allowed to breath without anyone looking past my shoulder.

Plus, I can dress in whatever way I want and play video games! I am even allowed to fool around on social media, as long as I’m careful not to get caught or affiliated with the Underground, so it’s perfect!

After I finished my stroll around the park, I go back to the base, stopping by Chisaki’s office, to see how he is. As usual, of course, he was busy with paperwork.

“Sorry to disturb you. I got you a chocolate frappe from Starbucks.  I uh...Didn’t know if you liked it, but it’s sweet so I thought you might want try, maybe?” I asked shyly, showing him the Venti cup I had. “I’m not a fan of sweets. You can drink it, if you like.” he responded, not even looking up from his papers. “Uhm...Can I...Can I help you in any way? You’re always so busy and stressed...Uhm...A massage? Or...Any simpler task that I could do in your stead? I don’t really know if you’re sleeping and eating well, so I’m just checking...S-Sorry if I’m annoying.” I trailed off, looking away, which is when he raised his head and turned in his seat to look at me properly. “Come here, Y/N.” he ordered, motioning for me to approach him.

I slowly and unsurely made my way in front of him, between his legs, then he took the cup away, putting it on the table’s corner, so it wouldn’t accidentally ruin his papers, then took a hold of both my hands and looked up at me, his eyes boring into mine as if looking an answer.

“Show me your Quirk, Y/N. I haven’t asked before and your parents avoided this question like the plague.” he demanded in a dull yet strict voice. “W-Well...My Quirk is extremely boring and useless, so I can get why they never mentioned it. To them, I’m as good as Quirkless, which is a huge family disappointment, like my whole existence, that is, but...I mean, if you want to see...” I sighed, putting my hands under his, raising them so he could see well enough how a small, pink flower starts growing from his hands, looking gorgeous, frail and innocent. “Your Quirk is making flowers?” he asked, an eyebrow raised, seeming almost interested. “Yeah...Nothing important or interesting in any way, I’m sorry for disappointing you. I guess Quirks really define the person, in some way. I’m pathetic enough as it is.” I shrugged, letting my arms fall to my sides, looking away. “Don’t say that. Quirks are filthy, and everyone now is sick. They all need to be purged and cured. This, however...Is purity and I won’t hear otherwise from you or anyone else, understand.” he replied, holding me by the elbows. “U-Uhm...Okay, then...” I nodded reluctantly, not really knowing how to react. “In two days there is going to be a fake charity ball hosted by your parents and we are invited. Make sure you dress appropriately, since we will be attending.” he said nonchalantly, and I could feel all the blood on my face drain, my mind going dizzy a bit. “M-My parents, you say...O-Okay, I’ll do my best then...! I won’t disappoint you!” I tried to say excitedly, to hide me trembling form before leaving the room in a rush, back to my dorm, collapsing on my bed since my legs gave out.

My parents had a clear purpose for this, and it won’t really end well... Not for me, at least.

I  dressed in a simple but elegant long dark green dress, with a new set of jewelry gifted by Chisaki specially for this event, my arranged to fall down my bare shoulders in elegant fire waves, and my make up was nothing drastic, but the seductive cat eye was highlighted with the perfect help of the black eyeliner, whilst he wore a dark suit with a dark green tie, so we would match.

It’s needless to say that I was hyperventilating quite a bit, but I tried to hide it some way, my red lipstick making the contrast with my with teeth create a dazzling smile, so nobody saw my insecurities, especially not while I was still clinging to Chisaki’s arm.

We mostly stayed at the bar since directly, we didn’t have anything to do with this event, except for the sake of my parents, we had to attend, and we enjoyed drinks. Well, more or less he made fun of me for almost spitting white wine, since I found it incredibly disgusting, so sulking, I stuck to water, pouting.

Not long after, my parents approached us, so we got off the bar stools and greeted them formally.

“Y/N, dear, and Chisaki-san, how are you enjoying the party?” my mother asked, a wide and extremely fake smile on her face. “It’s very nice, thank you for inviting us, Mrs. L/N, it was very kind of you.” Chisaki said in a very formal tone. “Oh, no problem, we just missed our sweet baby Y/N! Ah, speaking of babies, what’s with this tummy? Oh, don’t tell me! Oh, it’s about time yo-” she looked so excited, thinking I was pregnant, but I started panicking really bad and put my hands on her shoulders to stop her thinking. “I’m not pregnant, Jesus, we’ve only been together for 3 months! Don’t speak like that, who knows who’ll hear?!” I stuttered, not really knowing what to say, since I felt like I was being beaten up with bricks. “Ahh...That’s a shame! I guess you just got a bit fat...But next time I see you, there better be a child in that belly of yours, young lady! It’s tradition, after all! Us, L/Ns, must carry the bloodline through generations! So of course, unless it’s a boy, you must not stop, you need an heir!” my mother commented, obviously disappointed. “B-But...I...W-Well...” I could feel my mind going completely blank with worry and my heart was about to get out of my chest. My lungs were burning and sweat was dripping from my forehead. Clear signs of a panick attack, and I felt like almost fainting. “Oh, darling, that’s no way to speak in front of Mr.Chisaki! He knows what’s the best course of action for his business, no need for you to talk for anyone! Come on now, you bothered them enough, let them enjoy the party, they are young, free and wild! Oh, before I go, I saw David around, don’t forget to say hi to him, like the good girl you are!” my father winked at us, then took my mother away, leaving the two of us in an uncomfortable silence. “What was that about, Y/N?” he asked, clearly irked by the conversation. “Pardon me, I have to go vomit...” I whispered before running to the restroom and barfing into the bathroom, crying as emotions and anxiety took over my very being.

I knew that was going to happen, why did I expect anything else? Now that I’m caught in between two evils, I will have to tell Chisaki about the business problems, and I can just see how incredibly bad that’s going to end. After a good 10 minutes I finally got up, my legs still trembling, then went to wash my face with ice cold water before re-applying my make up, grateful for the fact that I was inspired enough to bring the basic make up stuff in my purse. When I got out of the bathroom, Chisaki was leaning on the wall, waiting.

“Hi...Sorry for waiting so long.” I muttered, looking away, embarrassed. “What happened?” he asked in a passive voice. “Just...Had a panic attack.” I replied, not daring to look at him. “Your mother’s words triggered it. Why?” he interrogated me, wanting to find out what was going on. “Can we...Go home, please? I...I had to tell you, sooner or later, but...I was a bit afraid...I guess...It’s not very nice...” I mumbled, shifting in my place uncomfortably. “Very well. Let’s go.” he nodded, offering me his arm to take, like all couples do in this fancy place.

The huge problem was that on our way out of the ballroom, the person I dreaded the most appeared in front of me, a charming smirk on his face, as he looked down on me.

“Aww, if it isn’t cute little Y/N! My, you turned into quite the seductive vixen, don’t you think? I guess you grew up quite a lot since then.” he winked, which made me flinch and step behind Chisaki a bit, gripping his arm tighter. “I don’t know you, leave me alone, I have to go home, bye.” I said, my voice breaking as I tried to make Chisaki move, but he didn’t budge an inch. “Well, I have to go back soon too, my whore is waiting for me at home. I see you found yourself another hunk, hm? Is he any good? Clearly, not like me, but-” he started to trail, but by this point my grip on Chisaki’s arm was so tight that I may leave bruises on his skin. “CAN’T YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU PARASITE?! SCATTER OFF BEFORE I STEP ON YOU AND SQUISH YOU LIKE THE USELESS VERMIN YOU ARE!” I screamed at him, already at my limit, wanting to get the hell out of there before I have another breakdown. “So ungraceful...Well, I guess it’s no wonder why they so desperately wanted to get rid of you. But, remember, Y/N...All men are the same. You can refuse them all you want, but it wont be long before they take action.” with an evil smirk, he left the place, not before fixing Chisaki with his eyes, condescendingly. “We have a lot to talk about when we go home, Y/N.” he muttered, leading the way to the car. “Give me a break...I need to sleep 24 hours...And hopefully get into a coma and never wake up” I said the last part, hoping he won’t hear.

That night, he was patient enough to let me sleep and recover from the hectic night...But I knew that the next evening, hell will break loose.

I dressed up in a pair jeans, a green plaid shirt with rolled sleeves and black combat boots and went to eat outside, enjoying a nice pizza as comfort food, then went to walk around the city, listening to music, trying to gather my thoughts and words in some way so I won’t stutter in front of Chisaki...Too much.

I didn’t even realise evening came until the lamp posts started lighting up, so I sighed and made my way back to the base, only to be greeted not by my sort-of friend, Hari, but by Shin Nemoto.

“You are the worst thing that happened to Shie Hassaikai! Master Chisaki was wrong to make a deal with your kin!” he said, angrily, pointing at me accusingly. “Well...That’s not wrong, I know that. What’s it to you? I can’t change the fact that I’m a disappointment.” I shrugged, not caring much about what was happening. “I will tell master Chisaki what you’re hiding! Do you hold any important secrets?” he asked, looking into my eyes. “Yes, 3, quite important ones...Wait, why did I say that?!” I gasped, slapping my hands over my mouth. “That’s my Quirk, idiot girl! Now, what are your secrets!” he demanded, making me widen my eyes in fear, trying to force myself not to speak, but words just came out of my mouth. “My parents stopped sending me money in over 3 weeks, saying their deal is over for now.” I said in a strong voice, so uncharacteristic of me, but I could feel my eyes watering. “Why didn’t you mention that to anyone? Not even to Kurono or Chisaki?” he inquired, a sadistic look on his face. “Because they said they won’t send any more money if I don’t produce an heir...G-Gods...Y-You...Monsters...” I sobbed, tears streaming down my face. “Does Master Chisaki know of that?” he asked, shocked. “I-I don’t know the deal they made...But I overheard my parents saying that the second I’ll have a male baby, an heir, they’ll make him the heir of the company and steal him from us, just so they won’t have to pass on their legacy to us, but to the kid...Why are you doing this to me?! I was going to tell Chisaki these things just now, why do you have to interfere?! Who do you think you are?!” I asked, my voice broke so badly that it sounded like a whine. “Shin? What are you doing to her?! Chisaki’s not going to like this!” Hari’s voice, usually dull, sounded alarmed now as he got in front of me, trying to calm my sobs down. “She’s a traitor, Chronostasis! She just confessed her sins! She’s been plotting with her parents!” he yelled, accusingly. “I WASN’T! I hate them! They abused me all my childhood! This deal was what got me out of that hell, and I’d never do anything to betray Chisaki! I don’t want to go back there! I’d rather die and burn in hell forever than go back there!” I screamed at him, falling on the ground, sobbing. “So pathetic...Pathetic, that’s the only word to describe someone like you! You are not worthy of staying in Master Chisaki’s company!” he said in a low, threatening voice. “That’s enough, Shin! If Chisaki gets here, he’s going to be pissed off!” he warned, getting in front of me, protectively. “What’s all this mess here? I don’t appreciate this chaos.” a low voice that sent chills through everyone’s spines echoed throughout the base. “M-Master Chisaki, I was interrogated the traitor! She spilled all her secrets shamelessly!” he said, proudly of his achievements. “The way I see this, you used your Quirk on her to make her confess. Is that correct, Nemoto?” he asked, in a passive-aggressive tone. “I had to! She wouldn’t answer my answers! She was going to betray you, Master!” he tried to defend himself, but that only made Chisaki angry enough to use his Quirk to kill him, then bring him back to life. “Never. Lie. To me. Again. Or else you’re not going to get lucky enough to see the light of life again, got it? Now leave.” he ordered Shin, who was shaking. “Now, you two. What the hell is going on here?” he asked, trying to cool off. “I...Don’t really know, to be fair. I just got here and saw Nemoto being aggressive with her.” he sighed, annoyed at getting caught in the middle. “I see. Then leave, I need to speak to my wife.” he said, nodding at his childhood friend, who only nodded at us, taking his leave. “Get to your room, I will be there shortly.” he said, looking down at me, which made me scurry my way to my room, trying to calm down, washing my face in the bathroom. When I got out, Chisaki was sitting on the bed, looking straight at me, his eyes boring into mine as if he was trying to detect any lie or deception.

“Sit.” he motioned for me to take a seat next to him, which made me gulp and shift in my place. He hasn’t been in my room before. “Don’t make me say it twice.” his voice getting sterner, which just made me sigh and sit down, trying to calm down my fidgeting with my fingers. “You’ve never been this nervous while around me. Why is that?” he asked, wanting to see the explanation. “Uhm...No man has been in my room before...Not here, not like that, at least.” I tried to explain, hoping it was relevant in some way. “Are you afraid of men, Y/N?” he asked, his gaze not leaving my face. “Mhm...Men...Nice people too...They’re fake, all of them, just pretending to be nice before they use or backstab you. Nice people can’t be trusted.” I mutter, scratching my hand, out of habit. “I see...Tell me what you wanted to confess.” he said, his voice calmer than before. “First of all...Will you...S-Sorry...Uhmm...C-Could you please tell me what the deal was? I have to know how they lied you, so I can tell you the truth...” I replied, intertwining my fingers together. “They said something about making sure I have an heir to inherit my position in the future, so they could support him as well.” he mentioned, making me bite me lip. “What did you...Think about th-that?” I asked, barely audible. “I have no time for such disgusting things, and especially not for little parasites. Why would I even want an heir? Everything I do is for myself, for the Yakuza.” he explained, his voice getting slightly patronising. “S-So...Y-You...Don’t want an heir? Or...Y-You know...Th-That thing everyone talk about.” I stammer over my words, already feeling faint. “I’m not going to have sex, no, so if that’s what you were thinking about-” he started saying, as if he was denying me something, but my face was already washed with relief, tears falling on my cheeks again, before I put my hands on my face. “Thank goodness...I’ve been agonising over this since I came here...I was so scared about this...I was expecting everday something like that to happen...Because...Because that’s what’s been put into my head...That it’s the most important thing and that men can’t control themselves...And then...That thing with David...” I trailed, not even realising if I was making any point, until Chisaki rose an eyebrow. “That guy at the ballroom? The one you snapped at?” he inquired, curious. “Y-Yeah...He...He was the first person I was the fiancee of, y’know...My parents wanted to get rid of me so I can get them a male heir, adopt it, then leave all their fortune to him. That was the truth of the deal. That’s why my mother was so happy when she thought I was pregnant...Surprise, I’m just fat, haha...They lied to you...Just like how they lie to everyone around them.” I sighed, slicking my hair back, not daring to look at Chisaki, who I was sure was burning with rage by now. “So they lied. Very well. I suppose nobody told them not to go against the Yakuza. They will pay for it.” he said, a cold anger evident in his voice. “C-Can I watch too...? I really...Really want revenge too...I...Don’t want to go through that again...Will you please take me with you when you kill them...?” I asked, looking at him for the first time. “Fine. Is that guy in it too?” he asked, obviously already preparing his plans. “U-Uhm...Sort of...He uhm...My mother told him the same...And...W-Well...He was m-more than eager to...Uhm...Get more money, let’s say...Very...Eager...Until he realised he was infertile and my parents made him break the deal...Thankfully...” I confessed the one thing I never thought I’d have the courage to tell anyone, to the one person who seemed most unlikely to care, who so happened to be my husband-to-be as well. “Men with no honour or principals...That’s where this world has come to. Very well. Death is mercy for those like him, I have something far greater prepared for him. And you are going to watch.” he demanded, getting to his feet, ready to leave the room. “W-Wait! Chisaki! Uhm...Thank you...For listening! You...You saved me...And I owe you my life and freedom...So, I didn’t want you to get wronged in this deal. If you decide that I’m no longer useful to you and you want to kill me, it’s fine. But...Thank you.” I told him, as I got to my feet and grasped his hand in both of mine, looking up at him, with a small smile. “I’m not going to kill you. It would be pointless and it would go against the Yakuza Code.” he said, looking down at me, weirdly. “Can I...Can I hug you...Please?” I whispered, biting my lip, and surprisingly, I got an affirmative answer, which made me easily throw my arms around his torso, holding him tightly, his hearbeat soothing my senses. “You’re...Welcome.” was his response, faint, barely audible, but existent.

The most shocking thing he’s ever done in his life, probably a huge shock for him as well, was that he took off his mask, but his arms around me as well, then kissed the top of my head, and stayed there, in silence, letting me hold him until I got tired of it.

Chisaki Kai, the leader of the Yakuza, my husband.

He isn’t the most romantic, or sensitive person in the world.

Hell, he barely even care about anything in this world, except for his goals. But...I never imagined that even he could have a heart, enough to let me into it, and protect me the way he did.

From my parents, from my past, from my abuse, from my memories. He created a new place, a new home, with new memories and new dreams, as weird or evil as they are, but they’re still much better than what I had before.

I was finally free from the burning shackles that kept me chained in the dark void of bad memories and trauma.

He saved me.

[scrapyardboyfriends]

Jenny’s Belated Live Blogging - Week of 14th January

Overall - This was a bit of a weird week. Other than a few bits with Bob, Spamela and two seconds of Billy/Ellis, there really were only three stories this week and I don’t feel like that normally happens. I feel like there’s always random side plots going on but this week there were none. Very odd. 

Bob - I do genuinely feel bad for the guy, which is I assume by design after he became so unlikeable last year through the Bobel fiasco. But as with Edna’s debt story and Ashley’s homelessness, it’s hard to watch them speed towards rock bottom while everyone is kind of densely oblivious. I’m curious to see if it will be Brenda that helps dig him out of the hole or if it will be someone else. I like that they’re having Brenda stand her ground still, but at this point, I wouldn’t hate it if they got back together. If they did it right. Then maybe I could get my Doug and Diane back cause I’m still annoyed that Lachlan ruined that. 

Spamela - Therapy piglets for everyone! Bless. It was cute and I enjoyed Belle and Lydia’s little chat about Lydia thinking Sam meant kids and not a pig. I really like the three of them together, plus Samson when he gets to be around. And of course I can’t wait to see more Spamela next week. 

Billy/Ellis - JUST GIVE ME MORE! It’s all well and good to continue to drip feed me scenes of Ellis not wanting anything to do with Billy, but I really want to get into why. Give me the details! I did appreciate the Aaron mention at the party though. Both that Sam actually remembers that Aaron exists and is part of the family and that they’re minimally keeping the Aaron/Billy conflict alive even though I want more of that too. Hopefully we’ll get some of it next week but I still want to see Aaron and Billy have it out. Just cause in general...I just want more information.

Maya/Jacob - This is definitely their best story right now even if it is massively uncomfortable to watch. I feel so bad for Jacob getting so mixed up and manipulated by her. He just really doesn’t even know what to do anymore but I’m glad he tried to stand up to her even though I doubt it will work in the end. We’ll see. I do wonder how far they are going to take this before it all comes out. I’m glad to see Ellis’s continued involvement though, however small. That scene with him Jacob and Eric was a lot of fun. I’m also glad to see Priya getting suspicious too. I just really want to see some massive fallout from this and have it affect a lot of people. Plus I want there to be a whole army of people to stand up for and be there for Jacob. 

Vanity - The Vanity stuff was actually quite enjoyable this week, especially running along side the Cain/Debbie stuff. It was nice to get a little bit of a lighter comedy plot next to that, even though I guess it is a bit weird that all this massive stuff is going on with Debbie and Cain and Charity is just blissfully ignorant trying to come up with proposal plans. But I’m sure she’ll be filled in eventually.

- In any case, definitely one of the issues I’ve had with Vanity during the somewhat soul sucking Bails case was the fact that they were so isolated. So this week, having Chas and Tracy and Rhona around and interacting with them was a lot of fun. Charity and Tracy was a good pairing, good comedy potential there.

- I do think the proposal was very Charity in that she would try and steal someone else’s proposal and I did like that it was messy and didn’t work out right away. It at least gave them a little something. It’s definitely still all a little easy for me and it all feels a bit hollow sometimes but I did mostly enjoy it on a surface level. And despite whatever next week will bring, I’m happy for the people who are happy about their ship getting engaged.

- I did enjoy the bit where Charity started her final little speech with ‘There’s clearly something seriously wrong with you to be willing to put up with me’ because that felt like a very Charity thing to say. I just wish I felt more for them because I do genuinely like both characters. Ah well, at least their fans enjoyed it and it did keep me entertained. I did think it was kind of shitty that they didn’t get a kiss though. 

Cain/Debbie/and the robot - Well I’m glad Debbie just blatantly called Graham a robot. Cause it’s so accurate it hurts. It’s hard to even criticize him because he’s just nothing. I don’t get it. I went back and watched a clip of him on Downton and I was like ‘yep...same performance’. 

- Positives? I think Jeff is doing a great job showing Cain spiraling. I thought the Faith and Cain scene was great. I’m glad the Jacob’s Fold set is being used again?? Haha. What is it with that damn house? Matty living with Vic sounds fun and I want to see it. I sort of hope it lasts for a bit. It was nice seeing people working at the garage again and having Megan come by to see about her car. I want more of that, integrating various plots with characters needing their car fixed like the old days. 

- Negatives? I mean, it’s generally just a boring story for me. I really think so much of that has to do with it hinging on Joe and the convoluted mess that led to his death with that week. It was just so random, it’s hard to build up stakes on top of that for these characters no matter what they do. Because like...who cares? I mean, obviously Debbie but since I never cared about her relationship with Joe, I find it hard to care now. I also don’t care about her relationship with Cain at this point. Still the only person I care about in all of this, besides not wanting this to destroy Coira, is Noah. Poor Noah whose mother still forgets about him, who lost his brother to a convoluted retcon. I just feel bad for the kid. But otherwise, I just don’t care and I don’t know what the stakes are for any of this. Cain didn’t actually kill him so ultimately, he’s not going to go to prison for it I expect. So Debbie will just have to forgive him eventually...and whoever else gets involved. I feel like Coira will ultimately be fine in the end even if it gets worse before it gets better. Like...are they going to try and take down Graham? How will Kim figure into all of this? I just don’t get where it’s all heading I suppose. And I find most of the scenes pretty dull, when they involve Debbie and the Robot. Robograham? Haha. 

[mayadile]

I don't know if I'm bothering you with this ask but has King Dice ever felt inner conflict at having an actual relationship for once in his life? Not that he regrets it, he's just never thought that it was possible? When he first started dating Connie, I mean, the absolute angel.......(I'm a hardcore Snake Eyes shipper but your art and ideas are so amazing......I was actually first introduced to the LGBTQ+ community by looking through your blog and I'm really thankful for it )

I DID WRITE A WHOLE BIG THING ABOUT THIS IN MY GOOGLE DOCS HOW EVERYTHING GOES AND HAPPENS WITH THEIR RELATIONSHIP!!!!! welp this is going to be long so lets pop in A READ MORE!!!

Ok so lemme give you some headcanons of mine HAHA so yes as you can see King Dice! He’s a big shot right? He can smooth talk his way to getting anything, it’s a talent of his! He attracts all sorts of people with his presence and he knows it! Working in the casino for years and years ( And stuff with King Dice’s backstory but that’s later but if you wanna know I can gladly write that for you too later! ) and being partners with the Devil himself, got a reason for it, being the right hand man, man got a rotten soul! Greedy,Egotistic,Nartisstic, etc ( I MEAN LISTEN TO HIS SONG! He basically thinks so highly of himself come on, even when working with the Devil he thinks noone can mess with him! ) Dice likes money and by god does he love making people’s life the worse! mostly playing around with toons he thinks deserve it...like you know he has so much charisma, he can talk anyone into anything, he has that face, smile, dapper look,HE’S GOOD LOOKING AS HELL!! he got an aura that draws you to him. Hard to see right through him but if you do, you’ll see some dark aura around the guy. He’s a nasty nasty man! manipulative and a snake HAHA everyone in inkwell knows him for that, pretty sure everyone in inkwell hates him.He’s very dedicated and devoted to his work, that was the deal, be here in the flames and rot, why not have some fun and pull in some suckers, that’s one thing him and the devil bond over and get along with, they love making deals and ruining lives. He can talk a drunk patron into playing a game and selling their soul, he can flirt his way into your heart and take your soul, he can be so friendly, start something with you and just break your spirit and take that damn soul of yours and act as if he had nothing to do with it and left you there speechless and does it give him pleasure to see the lights leave your eyes when you figure out when you notice you just fucked up your life into giving your soul to the big cheese! Hilarious! what a sucker! you really think you had a chance? you really think everything was going good for you here? Welcome to hell pal! Now that you see the negatives of King Dice, back to your question, yes it was confusing for him to ever have genuine feelings for someone, most of the time he plays around ya know? He can do whatever he’s the manager. I mean I’m pretty sure he had relationships before he got his soul taken from the devil! But guess all things were lose and consumed while working in the Casino, guess he didn’t have the need for it or thought it is necessary??? The only relationship he had all those years stuck in here was his partnership/friendship with the devil, don’t know if you can say it is a good friendship, but they are business partners??? same with his lackeys too! King Dice again thinks he’s a real catch, he knows toons fall for him and he likes the attention! But him attracted to someone he finds alluring as himself?? He can’t keep his eyes off? interested? curious? THAT’S A REAL RECORD SCRATCH, it confuses the absolute hell out of him.Like imagine being someone whos...King Dice and suddenly you start developing feelings? scary isn’t it? Chest starts to get heavy, your nasty nature turns into putty and you have birds singing, you want to see this person and hear their voice, you get tongue tied?? Something you never do? Mr.Big Bad Big Shot, Everyone adores me and hates me and this one person makes you weak to the knees!! an employee of yours? It’s terrifying for him and absolutely crazy, he doesn’t need this, he thinks he is better than that, love? HAHA WHO NEEDS THAT RIGHT? I’M THE GAMEST IN THE LAND WHO NEEDS THAT STUFF WHEN I HAVE ALL OF THIS AND-- Oh look Connie!Does he regret it? Nah, he actually likes it, it’s nice to feel something good! make that dark void in his chest sing and dance. His feelings towards Connie developed deep down since he did try to hide and deny it but coming from a guy who is actually a secret hopeless romantic it’s hard~ uhhh ok Dice’s first impression of Connie wasn’t good and mostly he thought that they were like every other magician, they do a image for themself but they’re actually nasty like why else would Connie come and also accept a job at the casino? He knows Connie isn’t a complete angel ( They were given a job at the casino for a reason and that reason is because the devil sees something in Connie he admires and so he lend them a hand and gave them the job here, Connie isn’t the ANGEL you all think they are, they’re actually awful lol but they repress feelings!  ) but getting to know them further ( if you wanna know how feelings develop Ill give you that too and when connie came to the casino! ) But! Connie has that something, that really attracts King Dice, they’re like light, lighting up the room with their booming voice and enthusiastic personality, makes the casino more alive and tolerable. Another small headcanon, of course I base King Dice very much of Cab Calloway, so he isn’t always a nasty dude ( i mean he is ) but he has that feel of always dancing about and singing~ Back then in his better life Dice had a band and wow does he miss it..( Locks all of his past memories in a box hidden in his office ).. Being around Connie makes him want to dance and sing ( which he does ) sometimes together he will tune his radio and play some songs and sing, Connie would join and dance along side with him, brings back memories and it’s a good thing since Dice hasn’t had a dance partner in YEARS and mostly someone who can catch up with his rhythm and be in sync and have the same energy. So yeah he never ever thought he would make it this far and have an actual loving relationship with someone, I mean Connie and Dice are both broken toons and both aren’t perfect and have some conflict but they do have such good chemistry and love one another to make it whole! ( Wow that was cheesy but these two can be cheesy :\ ) Again apologizes for my rambling and run off sentences .... remind you that this is one of my ever first oc/canon I was ever invested in and seeing people like it really make me happy since Im a nervous lad....There is alot to their story and again I will say, they are a slow burn, feelings slowly develop and mostly fully happen after the casino went to shit, but not saying they don’t mildly flirt before then ;o; just conflicted feelings all around...uh..im not a romantic writer guys but I can say I do love the effort I put in these two so if you want more info just tell me and I’ll do the best I can? THANK YOU!

[small-birdie]

my take on ready player one

overall, i did like the movie. it was exciting, it was colorful, it was fun and basically entertainment for the sake of entertainment. it didn’t need to be deep or terribly emotional, it was made for great watching experience and references, and that’s exactly what i got. i had a blast watching it. so yeah, good movie! but it did have its flaws, quite a lot, and things it could’ve handled so much better. i want to go more in-depth though, so under the cut, there is a detailed list of stuff i liked and/or didn’t like. INCLUDES SPOILERS TO BOTH BOOK AND MOVIE (and they’re so different) SO BE CAREFUL!

likes:

• the point i already made was how different it was from the book, and i found that i liked that a lot. it felt new and exciting despite me knowing the basic outline of the plot; i wasn’t forced to re-watch what i already read. it wasn’t compliant to the book at all, but it didn’t need to be, and that’s much easier than trying to make it the same and inevitably getting some things wrong, thus getting people mad.

• parzival never getting his high five in a literal sense (like 3 people left him hanging) was hillarious. he did get the actual high five though (i mean, the people) and i felt like it was a good little joke.

• that ioi researcher girl with red hair was so cute and excited about parzival winning!! (also her quote of “halliday is making everyone watch the contest, of course, that’s so… halliday!”). she felt more like a good guy than a bad guy tbh, and that is good because it shows that not everyone who works for ioi is sorrento level terrible.

• special effects department – good fucking job!! the stacks looked awesome, and omg the ioi main “battle” room (the one with white/red circles which the sixers used as the oasis gear) was really well designed! the scenes were realistic where they needed to be (irl) and not realistic where they didn’t (in-game), and the fact that they managed to find that balance was really important imo.

• they did well with camera angles and general scene design; every time the in-game stuff was shown through the virtual reality glasses it fit the scene really well and was done masterfully.

• good character designs (at least in-game avatars) – i feel like they were imaginative enough to be realistically something people would design, yet not ridiculous enough to be distracting. (side note – i’ve heard people say usually there would be much more ridiculous designs, but i gotta point out – the players have to walk around as these characters, in those bodies. making a weird avatar would be an inconvenience to them too; besides, with how popular oasis was, avatars were basically a sign of social status. but i digress).

• following the previous point, i really loved the sixers’ designs. terrifying because they’re all identical, there’s so many of them and they’re so in-synch, and yet really cool-looking.

• aech’s actress has done a really good job, and i feel like her character was very badass even despite the whole thing with shining.

• though the curator’s character was not canon in the book, i really really like the way he was used. i even preferred the way it went about the coin thing to the book.

• HALLIDAY’S PORTRAYAL WAS AMAZING. like, he was done exactly the way i expected him to be from the book, and it was honestly so damn awesome. i’ve also heard people say that he was represented as autistic, and i can’t say anything about that, i’m nowhere near being an expert, but if he was – that’s really good, it’s always great to see representation.

• i did like the main message of the movie. reality is real, and we shouldn’t forget about it even if we have video games such as oasis to escape to. it’s nice to have distractions, but don’t forget to live in the real world as well, no matter how bad it is – instead, try to fix it for the better.

• i’m glad they kept the nightclub with no gravity as a setting, i was wondering what that would look like in live action.

• sho(to) had cool one-liners and i appreciated him a lot.

• (book spoilers!!!) daito being alive was good?? like i’m glad he didn’t die, he was a good character in my opinion and i liked him! though, more on that later.

dislikes:

• first quest. are you telling me not one player before parzival, not ever, not even because of sheer curiosity and/or desperation because there was nothing else to do, decided to drive backwards?! bullshit. i do it in racing video games all the time and those video games aren’t even about to get me trillions of dollars. did no one else know halliday didn’t like rules?

• aech was used as comic relief a lot, and i just feel like her character was a little more serious and a lot more independent in the book, and it could’ve been handled for better things than a few gags about horror movies.

• they didn’t show that aech was gay? like almost not at all? she did try to kiss a (zombie-)girl in that one scene in shining, but that was one throwaway line and i don’t think many people picked up on it. in the book that was almost the entire reason why she was living the way she was (in a van and whatnot) – conflict with her mother due to her sexuality! would be nice to have that acknowledged better.

• art3mis and parzival’s relationship was underdeveloped. like, really underdeveloped. like, “telling the person you knew for three days that you love them” sort of underdeveloped. it wasn’t even clear why parzival had a crush on her in the first place – while the book does specify the whole thing about her blog and how he’s a fan, in the movie z just has a few lines of dialogue with aech before the race, and that’s all we know about art3mis when she’s introduced. then she just proceeds to be mildly rude to parzival and yet he falls for her anyways. could’ve been much, much better, and way less rushed.

• speaking of art3mis, she was at the very least meant to have a much more noticeable birthmark. seriously. she needed something to hide. the way movie presented her, she was still conventionally attractive despite the reasonably small mark, which in no way explains why she was so defensive of her irl appearance. (not to say i don’t adore her actress because i do!! i’m just talking about the character design).

• sorrento was presented as some cowardly douchebag, and i feel like he was really meant to be much more cold and manipulative, facing off with parzival in the final battle for the easter egg, fighting side by side with sixers. but no, he was shown to be a selfish scaredy cat. one of my favorite scenes from the book is when parzival demands sorrento steps down if ioi want his help, and sorrento just smiles and says something like “consider it done”. in the film he proceeded to be insecure and mad about it, and i feel like that made him much less threatening.

• also, sorrento’s allies (i-r0ck and the unnamed lady who commanded his troops) felt sort of… redundant. there was no need for them to be as big a characters as they were. not to say i don’t like the idea of having a badass lady henchman for the bad guy, but she was presented to be sorta incompetent and at times even ridiculous; and i-r0ck was used as a comic relief in moments which didn’t need one.

• they cut out so much of the second act character conflict (or rather, conflict between characters). they kinda tried to do the whole “art3mis wants to stay alone” thing, but briefly and not too well, whereas in the book it was a massive plot point when she stopped talking to parzival. aech, too – there was time in the book when she and parzival weren’t in contact at all because she was mad at him, and when they contacted again, it was only because SHE helped him find the second key, and i feel like that would’ve established her as a much cooler and in general better character if they did that. because of that, z didn’t feel to have as much of a character arc in the movie – he didn’t really change from how he was like in the beginning.

• there are two further points to do with this. first one is, in the book art3mis figured out how to get the jade key on her own, and so did aech. they didn’t rely on parzival showing them the way, they did it themselves because they were smart and logical, and he was too full of himself after finding the first key first to concentrate enough on the second clue. it highlighted his character flaw while also establishing that the other characters are in no way dumber/less capable than him, and it was very important. the movie didn’t do this. while, sure, art3mis was the one to think of the general idea, z was the one who pointed out the movie, and aech’s contribution was overall erased.

• second point is (book spoilers again!), actually, daito’s death again. it created stakes! so much stakes! ioi was actually out to get them, it was real! and it highlighted his relationship with shoto so well, how upset the latter was and how he was mourning, and it was a very good dramatic plot point; so while i’m glad he stayed alive because i don’t like character deaths, it may have been somewhat better if he was in fact killed.

• also, shoto and daito’s general presence in the movie was very different. firstly, they were (i think?) actual brothers, and secondly they were not at all wary of getting close to parzival and co, while in the book they preferred to stick together and barely trusted them. it was a much more interesting dynamic i think, and showed things like they were more likely to play out if this scenario happened in real life. so while i don’t hate this decision, i think keeping it the way it was in the book would’ve been good too, if not better.

• stakes created by a shaking van and sorrento, who was shown to be fully capable and willing to kill the kids before, lowering his gun when they were right in front of him, seemed just a little ridiculous.

okay haha that’s about it! that’s a lot, sorry for the rant, but i tend to get strong feelings about completely random things, and i did really like the movie! i see a lot of hate out there, but while i admit it had substantial flaws, we also mustn’t fail to acknowledge the good parts!

so yeah. have a good day if you read all of this! (and if you haven’t, have a good day too ^^)

[orange-plum]

I try to write shit like this, and I always just stare at a blank screen for minutes and delete my sentences.

Maybe it’s that in 3 days it’ll be the 1 month anniversary, or maybe it’s just that for the past couple years I’ve never gotten a break to just catch my breath and recover (Friend drama with Lemon, financial problems, moved out, got a tumor, Lemon’s dad died and she self destructed so I felt like I had to watch out for her and put my emotional stuff on hold, depression, drank every day to cope, more financial problems, surgery, recovery, depression, Voldemort day, friend stuff, Lemon moved away etc etc) but my minds been really discombobulated recently.

I either overthink and wanna do some unhealthy things to cope, or I zone out or dissociate I guess for chunks of time. I think a good 20% of my day I don’t remember. Which is kinda scary cuz the scariest thing that happened to me was in a blank zone. So it freaks me out I guess haha

I remember stuff sometimes tho. I’ve remembered a couple things from that night. One was kinda minor, but the other one was a hand on my ribcage. Just. It feels really imprinted on me haha Even writing that is making my hands shake, but I think at least putting thoughts down “on paper” helps more than I’d like to admit. When I remembered that I think I zoned out cuz I looked at the clock and it was 43 minutes later and I was gripping my hand real hard that I guess I dug my nails into my hand so it’s got all these cuts and shit on it now.

I know it’s not realistic and I don’t have any sort of professional training for it, but I really feel like I should be able to handle this on my own. I don’t like asking for help. I don’t like seeking stuff out and just dumping my shit on someone cuz that’s super rude. Idc if they even say they don’t mind. They’ve got their own stuff, and my stuff is really gross and personal and all it does is make us both feel uncomfortable so. Idk maybe I’m scared of being seen different or pitied? It’s easier just to joke and be pleasant.

It’s just when I get alone I’m just. Idk. I don’t even think I’m a person anymore. Or I don’t feel that way, anyway. 

It’s weird cuz I’m all about positivity and optimism and stuff, but ngl I think you can’t be a survivor without being a victim first. You can’t just wake up the day after something traumatic and be a survivor. Healing doesn’t work like that. And I think I’m just upset cuz I wanna be the survivor version of me but I have to wait to heal to be that. And I hate being a victim it just makes me sound weak and whatever. But it’s not like I have any control over that. I think I’m in the early stages of grief, maybe denial or something. So I’m just nervous that when a later stage comes it’s all gonna hit the fan and I’m just gonna be unbearable to be around and everyone’s just gonna wanna take off.

Which is OK I wouldn’t blame them. Everyone wants a carefree life and shit. I don’t wanna bring someone down with my drama.

I already kinda feel like I do that now anyway haha I feel like I talk about this too much but IDK what else to do with this information. I try to keep 95% of it to myself cuz it’s just unpleasant, but sometimes it spills over.

I remember the first week after it happened I think I stress ate and maybe gained 5-8lbs. But now I just eat a bagel and part of a cucumber a day or something and it’s hard. I had McDonalds the other day cuz I knew it had more calories in it, but I think I lost all that weight and maybe more cuz I just don’t wanna eat. The shorts my dad bought me a few weeks ago, I can now take them off without unbuttoning the button. Which is kinda nice I like losing weight. But I just don’t wanna develop some kinda eating disorder haha 

I upped my workouts, too. I just don’t like anything anymore, but at least with working out I can take out some stress. Maybe that has something to do with it, too? I have no idea.

I just feel like I’m slowly self destructing. And I know I’ll get better cuz I’m strong, and some people tell me that or say they look up to me so I will for their sake, but maybe I do need to self destruct before I can get better? It was kinda like that with my tumor last year. It’s just scary, I guess. I feel high every day, everything’s jumbled around and I blank out and then I feel manic then I’m depressed I’m just all over the place. I’m irregular, that’s it. And I’m tired, man. I’m so tired. Every god damn day. I’m just exhausted even when I’m just sitting down. And when I’m not awake I’ve been having dreams of being murdered and assaulted. It’s freaking me out.

No, I’m not going to go vent to someone. No, I’m not gonna look into any self help groups. No, I’m not going back to therapy. Thank you for everyone who offered advice, but I know me and I’m not gonna do that stuff. Not right now, anyway.

I think I’m also jealous. Jealous people get to have lives that don’t feel like you’re a pilot to a body instead of in a body. They have friends and dates and relationships and priorities. Meanwhile I’m over here on pause and my biggest accomplishment is walking outside to my car when the sun’s up.

And I feel bad, cuz that’s not fair. When did I become the bitter bitch because people have lives? I’m sure I can have a life. I think I’m just too scared to have one. Cuz if I do, maybe that’ll lead back to another bad situation.

I had a life the night I went out and look where that got me.

And another thing, I can’t get over Lemon. I’m just. Idek if I wanna talk to her anymore. We text sometimes since she moved, but she... she dropped the ball so hard on me. She ignored the issue and moved away to be happy with her boyfriend and start a new life. I went out for her last night here like she wanted, got assaulted, and then she expects me to act like it never happened so she could move. I’m just upset with her I can’t even explain how upset I am with her. And she comes back to town next month.... If I let her know how I feel, she’s gonna shut down and never speak to me again I know it, and IDK if that’s what I want. But not telling her how pissed off I am is also eating me alive.

I remember sitting there with that cop staring at me, telling me I needed to make a decision on the spot. And I had my hands in my hair, completely unsure if I wanted to open an investigation, and I was like “If my friend just called the cab company I’d know what to do” and he was like “Yeah, but she didn’t. So you need to decide.”

I literally could not choose to file something because fucking Lemon didn’t call that damn cab company. I am so upset over that I think about that every day.

I just want to shut up and never talk about this again but I can’t. I say that and then vent like this. I feel like I walk around with a big X over my head that people can see “Ruined” or something. I don’t even know how to function anymore. Maybe I have ptsd IDK. I always think about it. When you think I’m not thinking about it, you’re wrong.

I hate myself at the moment. And I know it won’t always be like that. Recovery, and all. But for the process, at the moment that’s how I feel. I’m just a barely functioning person who’s ruined. 

I’ll pick up the pieces. I will. I will. I will for sure. But I’m being honest rn. No amount of reassurances will change how I feel.

What happened to me in my mind right now was my fault, I put my friend above myself again and because of that I had to learn a life lesson. Whyyyy did I look away for those 5 seconds? Ughhh It’s none of my business. My parents told me all the time for years that it’s not my business if Lemon’s in trouble with a guy. I shouldn’t have butted my nose in and pushed that drunk guy away. She’s an adult, she can tell him to fuck off if she wants. She just has no backbone and maybe I feel like I have to look out for her??? Look where that got me. I look out for Lemon and get roofied, only to have her ignore my requests to help me afterwards and move. She ain’t ride or die. She cares about me, but not enough to be 100% a friend.

I got ruined for someone who doesn’t even meet a friend standard. People have told me that for years and I ignored them. I’m so fucking stupid jeez, Orange. It’s common sense.

I’m not grounded, I guess. I’m just all over the place. I wish I had someone to ground me. I’d literally pay a big, strong guy to give me a hug for 5 minutes just so I feel safe for a second. I just don’t feel safe, I guess. I keep getting nervous this will happen a second time. It’s like a gut feeling. When I go outside I’m just jittery, watching people.

Ugh. Well. I just wanted to vent. This is just for myself. I’m a pretty open person so Idc if I do this on my blog and people see it but. If I write it to myself in private it doesn’t seem real. So I don’t like doing that Idc I’m not sure why. I’m not trying to start drama I swear. So just ignore this. I just needed to clear my head and breathe for aminute.